(Hope you guys can take a joke)
God and Eve “Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
And why is that Eve?" “Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." “Man? What is t hat, Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad habits and traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly." “Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?"
“Well...You can have him on one condition." And what's that, Lord?" As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman."
, excuses, and alibis is proudly proclaiming ...."The F-in Science Fair Project is Done!!!" The problem was we shoulda started it a week earlier; basically we crammed 2 wks. worth of work into 1 week ( and without the drugs- like in College). And we didn't really do all that much yelling considering. Now we just have to spend the whole day on Sat. at school at the damn Fair. I know i have a very bad attitude. L's not too pleased cause we will be late for baseball leveling day. I on the other hand might have more time to post while sitting in the car at practices. Maybe I can even write a" great american novel "like the woman from a town near here. The novel was "Must love dogs" - she wrote it waiting at soccer practices. Well since I'm too tired to cook we are going out for a burger, so hopefully i can not get back to regular or irregular posting now. Tomorrow is Joke Friday - see you then - if not before.
Hey, anyone know how to add that blogrolling thing so that you know when blogs have updated? and don't tell me to go to blogrolling - I'm one of those who don't read the directions usually. I do like the idea of this feature tho so maybe I will .... later.
I just can't seem to get my head above water, damn feet keep slipping on all that oozy slimey stuff on the bottom of the pond. Got thru taxes and sun poisoning, pulled another bartending stint yesterday for a wedding (poor bastards) and now we're trying to get the Science Fair project in by Thurs. (so really done by Wed.) We shoulda started last weekend or the one before that even. Story of my life ,shoulda, woulda, coulda. Shoulda started last week,woulda cleaned the house and coulda posted in peace. One of these days now, really.
A fairy tale... Rewritten by a Woman
(rated PG13 - 1 swear word at the end, and to the male readers - it's only a joke - I don't really hate men. Tho how come there is no word for that in the dictionary- like there is for misogynist(woman hater)? or is there?)
Update: just checked dictionary.com and nope none for man hater - just man eater (tiger or woman dangerous to man - written by a man, no doubt. :D )
This is the fairy tale we should have been reading as little girls!
Once upon a time, In a land far away, A beautiful, independent, Self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't fucking think so.
I love words; I hate math. It's simply as that. Since my last morose post I've been dying to post again, something a little more upbeat, but I've been buried in numbers and paper, both of which i hate. My tax guy came today and inevitably as always I am unprepared. I had all the W-2's and 1099's and whatever else comes in the mail all jammed in the closet above my desk, right in the corner where i could find them and I pulled them out just an hour before he arrived;tho I messed that up too. I thought he was coming at 3 but he arrived at 2, so I had barely arranged the piles on the dining room table,never having even looked to see if I had everything i needed (what a surprise). Luckily for me he is a kind patient ole guy and used to me it seems. I even made jokes about missing the same papers every year, the abiguous excise tax forms (only those from Mass. would appreciate this - just another dumb tax from taxachusetts- on the car you aleady own). Then we came upon a snafu and I had to make a call to my broker ( boy I wish I was as rich as that sounds) but actually it's my Dad's broker, who I inherited last yr. when he passed away and never having had any monies to claim I was lucky that my tax guy caught an error. However when we made the call to get the correct numbers to figure the tax mess, we were told by Iris, my brokers left hand woman, that she would call right back. I was already late for picking up my son so I left the taxguy with the phone and said, "I'll be right back." When I got to the school L. was right out front with his friend who needed a ride home so I yelled just get in the car and off we went. When we got back Iris still hadn't called so I called her and she spoke with Tom, the tax guy, and we finally got the damn taxes done. The dining room table is still covered with my mess of papers; have I said how much I hate paper as well as numbers. I really did want to get to one of those drafts, well maybe tomorrow.
Went to a St. Pat's party Fri. nite for an old boss of mine (from when I was still bartending regularly); he's from Ireland and alot of fun, best boss I ever had!
Then the next night I did a bartending stint- a St. Pat's party for the Plymouth County Democratic Party; a good party- Irish band, Irish stepdancers and funny Anti-Republican jokes. Tho I've been having a pretty good time this wkend, I think it's taken a toll on me - forgot to mention the sunpoisoning that's been so incredibly itchy it's been keeping me up nights. I also seem to be going thru a(nother) lack of self confidence regarding this blog-sometimes i think this online journaling is not for the faint of heart. So I'll be back when I can muster up a proper post.
Happy St. Paddy's Day
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin'
with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do
and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells
barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother
country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from.
Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man
hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey
for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin
and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll
be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for
the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the
Remember my packing nightmares of the previous post?? The day before I left I treated myself to a little shopping spree: new jeans, new cover-up/dress and new shoes - these cute little slip on black mesh numbers with a small clunky heel- perfect for capris'. After dinner when I went upstairs to begin the packing ordeal I think the neighbor heard my screams ( I know he did cause he was in my living room painting.) My darling 2 yr. old black lab who has never even eaten an old shoe had eaten a corner off one of my new black shoes - but first he had to eat thru the plastic shopping bag (with jeans and dress(unharmed-phwee) then through the cardboard box and paper. I was yelling and threatening pretty good because my son came running to his rescue. I was glad that they weren't expensive shoes but, but...now I don't have my new cute shoes. :(
The day of the trip with everything packed in the car we drove the 7 min to pick up my son at school and first thing he says is, "I lost my glasses" - great- i didn't hide my displeasure-disappointment that he would not really be seeing the game/players we were so looking forward to and I would be seeing him squint his way thru our trip (not to mention the expense when we got back of a new pair). Score: down 1 shoe, 1 pair of glasses and we haven't even left town.
When we finally do arrive at our destination (i've blocked the 2 flights) and unpacked I realize that I did indeed forget my jewelry - no biggie for me tho since i usually wear the same things that are already on my body. During the trip I did manage to lose my make up - only one item tho.
And I wonder why I have those dreams - premonitions I'd say.
to be cont....
Flying (gulp) to Florida today; so frantically trying to pack. I am the world's worst - even have reoccuring nightmares about it. I'm usually trying to pack scad and scads of clothes, shoes, books, etc (maybe i'm confusing this with my moving dream) and missing my flight or leaving all my hair products and makeup or jewelry at home.
Plus I always try to clean my house before I leave, especially since my neighbor stays here to watch the dog.With any luck the living room will be done when I get back (he's also my painter).
So Spring training here we come, hoping we catch a couple and get some autographs - that oughta put a big grin on the kid's face.
Taking the laptop with me so if the spirit moves me I'll be posting.
I smelt trouble as soon as he walked in the door with his attitude tucked under his arm. Smug, arrogrant and grumpy. He was going to give me a run for my money, a hard time all the way i thought. How am I going to get through this exam without showing my displeasure with him. I was just getting my actress chops going - ok I'll just be really professional and not let him get a rise out of me. Then suddenly things changed, I'm not sure what I said to him, my usual litany of questions, medicines? any change in health? etc, etc. but I was just about to turn the lights off to do the eye exam when I noticed him getting teary/choked up. He told me that his wife had died in Nov. as i patted his arm and said something like "yea it takes awhile", he tells me it was Nov. of 2003. So now since he's shown me his vulnerable side,I'm being nicer to him and him to me and we get through the exam.
Later I hear the doctor say something to his scribe about him and I start talking about him to her, how he had come in all grumpy then turned on a dime and told me about his wife yadda, yadda, yadda. At which she interupts and says "he's married, he married his college roomates wife, after her husband died; and he's still cryin about the 1st wife.
People are strange...when you're a stranger....faces look ugly....
? who's song?
Sunday was pretty much a repeat performance of Saturday. No accidents just still can't get anything done around here. Now Manic Monday rears it's ugly head so I'm just going to post some pics:
An amarylis bulb that I received for X-mas blooming beautifully, my black lab looking like a yogi, and the reflection of my kitchen light floating eerierly in the pic of the bird feeders.
on cleaning the basement! - not with the way my house looks, but when I heard the scream from downstairs and yelled, "are you allright", as I ran down the steps; he answered quickly, "yeah, but I broke that big think that used to be in Danielle's room". As soon as I got down there I remembered, oh yea that thing that has been down there since her 16th B-day party (she just turned 18). Tall cylinder filled with water and plastic fish now in shards and water everywhere, including all over the drum set and the rug under the drum set. So we spent the better part of an hour cleaning up the mess. I'm supposed to be sanding, putting and binning the woodwork in the living room so what the hell am I doing on here? practicing avoidance? I managed to throw in a load of laundry on the way up - no easy task either - especially with a boy - you have to look at every piece of clothing before you put it in and spray almost every inch of it in hopes of those grape juice and dirt stains coming out, some pieces look like they should be thrown out but they wash up pretty good luckily. Okay enough stalling, time to sand and vacuum that woodwork - for 1/2 and hr. then i have to go pick up the boy at the movies, and i wonder why nothing gets done around here.
THIRTY LINES THAT MIGHT MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24.They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.(for shame!!)
25.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27.Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on