Subject: Life Saving Matter
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
If you do not know, see answer below.
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
Why is it that i can't stay on an even keel? just my nature or just the way the cookie crumbles. Sometimes I am in a controlled mode-I can do this - get the house cleaned, bills paid on time, papers organized, calls made, appointments kept, etc. etc. You can even find me up at midnight sweeping the floors and paying bills. And other times I'm in the overwhelmed mode - stickin head in sand, as far down as it can go - I can't possible do all of this (sh-t!), so I won't do any of it - just get in the car and go- escape.
I guess maybe I need:.... Yoga (to learn how to relax) and time management ( to learn when to) and some good organizational skills. Did they teach any of this in school? or was I staring out the window when they did?
Too hot to post. Is that a lame excuse? We don't have central AC - the bedrooms have window ones as do the kitchen/din. rm and the sunroom. And here i sit with the fan in the den - need i say more? goin downstairs to have watermelon or maybe an ice pop or maybe another cold beer. What are you all doin to escape the heat?
mmmmmm, my mouth is watering like my dog, Jackson's, does. Let's see i've already told you about the french fries in the paper bag; on to Italian ices: lemon, rasberry, chocolate, orange - a regular treat; they came in these white pleated cups that were quite soggy by the time you were finished.
Then for ice cream, my flavors of choice were : vanilla fudge(which is hard to find these days), mint chocolate chip (still one of my favorites and then a real treat a double cone with one scoop of vanilla and one scoop of orange sherbet - like a creamsicle; oh yea and blackberry with chocolate sprinkles or if you were really lucky a banana split. Sometimes for a special treat at night we would walk up to this place across from the boardwalk that served waffles with ice cream on them - carbs and sugar - joy.
Ocassionally we went to Asbury park ( yes of Bruce Sprinsteen fame) where the amusements were. There you could get candied apples - a macintosh apple on a stick covered with this hard red substance - the sweet and sour flavor was wonderful. Another favorite to be found there was cotton candy - how could anyone resist that pink confection?
I'm ready to get in the car and drive down there right now.
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "Yes, I am. I married to the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Just think if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive
him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death "
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find
it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he
taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of
rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus so shut the hell up."
But I did have a porch! I completely forgot here what i was going to write about. My original idea was to write about my childhood porch. Yes I know i said that I didn't have one, just a stoop, but there was the summer porch. No not as in our "summer home" we were not wealthy,we were middle class - probably lower middle, tho i didn't realize it at the time. Every summer ( well alot of them) we went to the Jersey shore - to Bradley Beach to be specific; tho in my teenage years that changed to Belmar, but that's another post. So every summer we would pack up to go stay at Ida's boarding house - i think it might have had a name - i don't remember; but i do remember Ida - she was an imposing buxom woman- you didn't mess with her. I actually avoided her at all cost. It wasn't as bad as i'm portraying,I was just a shy child.
I remember it was a really big porch with lots of chairs and this one glider - that I got my finger stuck in once! I can remember how nice it was to sit on that porch, right after showering after the beach, or early in the morning before everyone was up. You could feel the breeze,smell the salt water and have the warmth of the sun on you. I can also remember walking up to the corner and getting a bag of fries - they served them in a small paper bag and you just added salt and ketchup, to your liking, and shook the bag to mix it up and then just kept reaching in for another as you walked back to the house or on the boardwalk. If you had enof change you'd buy a coke or root beer or an Italian ice. I think boardwalk food can be another post. But I'm digressing.
What I really remember is the nites on the porch. I remember this heavyset jovial fellow,( I wish I could remember his name) ,who would tell stories, jokes, sing songs; it was just so much fun. I don't know if I can recall another time like that in my life - the comadarie, the laughter, the smell of the salt air - it all made you feel like part of something,something bigger, like you belonged right there on that porch.
Ok I admit, maybe i'm jaded but really - weddings are just like a formula and when you've worked them, well they are so boring. It makes me feel like how could anyone possible want to have one? they are so cliche, but then after all the stupid stuff: intros,toasts, dance, cake...well then when they get down to partying, that's another story. I love the dancing, the Hot,hot, hot and the "Down by the river...down by the banks of the River Charles..dah dah dah da da da da da..Boston, you're my town" ( i guess you have to be from around here to appreciate that).well, i'm going to bed; Sweet dreams!!
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee
When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours
in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar.He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the
jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty
space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends
and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house
and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand
into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the
golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are
important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your
out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the
house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the
things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID
I love contests. This is my 3rd online i think. I've won a literary magazine that's all; but it's fun nonetheless. This one is the Tomato contest sponsered by Dr. Charles. I am delinquent in posting my contestants, so here they are - all 5 of them! Since they kind of blend in with the background vegetation here are some more pics of the lovelies.
a close-up of the grape tomato - the only one with blooms
and tomatoes!! The other 4 are Beefsteaks (my favorite being from NJ) and it will be a miracle if they have tomatoes by Oct. with the weather that we have been having.
This post was prompted by Patry's post over at Simply Wait about Front porches; it got me thinking about my childhood home sans porch. I've always liked stoops tho. That's what we called the steps in front of our house when you were sitting on them - sitting on the front stoop, not steps. It has a better ring to it - like they are special. We would sit there when we were bored - nothing to do on a hot summer day or after a long bike ride or the favorite - when waiting for the ice cream truck.
It's funny this house has a deck in the back which the recluse in me likes - privacy- can only see my plants and animals(wild birds, my dog and cat, occasional deer and rabbit) and my kid. The previous house had a patio out back - same situation and it suited me just fine, cause my neighbors were crazy. But when family came to visit - where did we take the picture? - yup out front on the stoop - which was brick but didn't really qualify as we never hung out there; they really were front steps.
Our first house also had a deck, that we enjoyed but which wasn't private at all. I can remember hearing my new neighbor, directly behind me, ordering pizza and telling someone of his wild escapades of the night before. This was the house that put my friend (my other neighbor behind me to the side) into a tizzy/ and tree planting phase. The once empty lot behind us that we thought was not buildable was my friends new neighbor also. We spent alot of time bemoaning the fact, commisserating and planting trees. I had already put up a fence but then added a piece of lattice (covered by wisteria) to help until the tree grew. I guess i do like my privacy more than intimacy with the neighbors. However, Mary and I did wish that we had made a secret opening panel in the fence so we could get to each others places when we wanted to visit or to feed each other's cats when away. But the walk around the block didn't hurt. This same house did have a wood landing and steps in the front. I remember when friends of ours ,with their 4 kids, visited and I took a picture of all the kids on the "stoop". Here once again, we never hung out here, tho our old dog Sam did (but then he was a Golden Retriever and very much a front porch kinda guy). I think to really qualify as a stoop it has to be cement or brick or maybe it has to be NJ. Who knows?
Double "D" dare ya; prompted by Cate and because Patry thought that was my letter - hope it's not because i'm depressed (duh-ah - as only the kids know how to say - in as "ya think?"(with just the right touch of sarcasm.) deranged,delusional,disillusioned,disappointed,depraved, deprived, dumbshit, dope, disgust, despair, doubt,dissuade,disabled, dread, dish, damn, drat, drag, drained,diet, dumbfounded,
display, discern, devote,diary, drive, delirious, dance, delight
dilettante - I hate this word because I'm afraid they could put my picture along side in the dictionary. Music(piano), photography, writing- just pick one and DO it or do all 3 just
Decide- one of my biggest problems - Indecision- a friend once dubbed me Indecision Incarnate.
Doom & gloom - another friend dubbed me this. - it's a wonder I have any friends at all.
Divorce - the D word that came out about a year ago and which I dwell on a daily basis unfortunately. It really is one of those words that once it is out - look out.
Dilemma- a state I am in.
I think this should be a new meme, come on I double dare ya, pick your letter, start your engines and report back!