(A Jersey joke in honor of my visiting my homestate this weekend. Have a great weekend!)
White House Fence
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House inD.C.
One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
A Jersey joke in honor of my visit to my home state this weekend.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100.profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
(A Jersey joke in honor of my visiting my homestate this weekend. Have a great weekend!)
my dark blue eyes
my father's light blue eyes
my sons smiling blue eyes
the beloved sea breaking on the beach
clear blue skies up above
my blue & white dishes
my favorite jeans
my old jean jacket
navy blue pea coat
blueberries with light cream and sugar
some of my favorite music and musicians
billie holiday, john lee hooker, bb king
purple blue iris' growing in my back yard
blue green plants in the front yard
soothing blue green walls in my kitchen.
I didn't know what the date was all day til now- when i realized that tomorrow is my father's birthday - he died 2 yrs ago. He was in the back of my mind all day, i just didn't know why.
Catholic education with a #2 pencil
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend, sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back a sleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted...........
( found just a few sentences in a saved draft from 4/06 - had fun morphing it out. will have to revisit this with some classic customers, co-workers and more bosses.)
First there are the owners/managers/higher ups:
At my first waitressing job in Vt. I learned how to make drinks because there was never a bartender on at lunchtime and the owner told me to just come find her but she was always outside doing something with the plants. Instead I would just get the red Mr. Boston bartending guide out and make them myself. My first Manhattan i shook instead of stirred.
At this other place up in Vt. there was a really mean chef who would just let you grab a hot plate and not say a word. I really hated him.
Eddie -chef at a big hotel with singing waiter & waitresses (not me)- he had a German accent, I can't believe i can remember his name - i guess he left quite an immpression on me. He was large (fat) with dark hair and a mustache and called me "The black widow". He was mean. My Irish friend, Angela, got me this job. Never knew whether to thank her or cuss her.
Chef/owner at seafood shanty on Martha's Vineyard was always yelling at us for eating food off the dirty plates! give me a break!! if we've lowered ourselves to eat people's leftovers just leave us the hell alone.
Then there was Bobby, the owner of the bar in Northampton, MA. who lived upstairs and would come down at closing time and yell: Hotel/motel time - don't wake up with a lizard and "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here." - those words are forever etched in my mind.
My new favorite song. Having problems posting from U tube on the new blogger.
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and
two glasses of Jameson whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"They
downed their drinks.
Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on
your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of
this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Paddy was in New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his Way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
And Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Happy St. Patrick's Day !!!!
It seems that I have a case of blogger's block. I've started a few, I have a plethora of saved drafts, I have the Bar Mitzvah to chronicle, but all i've been able to muster is Joke Friday, maybe out of a sense of duty. I even thought maybe i should change the name of the blog to Joke Friday. So when the going gets tough the tough get going, so i was even thinking that maybe i should announce a break; oh no, not again, idle threats. But that usually does work to get me going again. But this time the answer presented itself when i was cleaning out my file drawer in my desk, throwing out old insurance papers from years and plans past. There they were my old poems from when I don't want to tell you when; let's just say they were on onion paper and if you don't know what that is, i'm not telling you. so that's just what i did, i typed in some more of my old poems from the previous century.
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it slices into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer. then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun, and I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money (so he'll never have to go without a pint of ale), a great golf game, and a great sex life."
A few weeks later the Irishman is out golfing again. As he's walking to the 16th green, he hears a voice calling him from the woods.
He walks over, and sees the leprechaun again. He asks how his head is feeling. The leprechaun says, "Oh, I'm fine. And might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's funny you should ask, but it's been amazing. It seems I can't miss anymore!" "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a twenty dollar bill" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you,too. And might I ask how your love life is?" Now the golfer looks around, as if to be sure that no one else can hear, and says in a low voice, "Well, it's been okay."
"Just okay?" the leprechaun asks. "How often do you have sex?" "Oh, maybe once or twice a week." Floored, the leprechaun stammers, "Only once or twice a week?" The golfer replies, "Well, that's really quite a lot for a Catholic priest in a small parish
Amid all the party preparation on Friday, Joke Friday somehow wound up on my New Poems site. I'm not surprised, as my mother used to say, it's lucky your head is attached.
I was really relieved when i finally woke up.