the 11th Husband
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implem ent, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
Noelle over at The Daily Tannebaum has given me an award - "The Rockin Blogger Girl Award". Like Noelle I secretly would like to be a rocker too; but unlike her I am too old now and the day job and carting the 13 yr. old to his sports gets in the way. Now I just hope that he will be more serious about his music than I was about mine and get really good at drums and be in a band so I can at least be a groupie finally.
Vacation came and went and time slipped away and I came home to find that Suzanne over at Liquid Illuzion also bestowed the award on me. Feelin like i have to go out and get a pair of stillettos to trip up and collect my Oscars on; also feeling very undeserveth as I practically have abandoned the blog, what with the garden and baseball and family visiting. I haven't missed a Joke Friday tho. I promise to do better. Yeah, yeah - give her the hook.
Now, the nominees please...Of all the deserving bloggers that I read out there I am going to pick - Jona of Lentulae Vitae because I just really enjoy reading her trials & tribulations even tho she doesn't post regularly( and who can blame her with that brood of hers) I'm always happy when i discover that she has. and Ipanema of Under the Canopy because she always makes me think.
and Patry Francis of Simply Wait, because she's my best friend and a great writer - Buy her book- The Liar's Diary.
He answered, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
"I'm a lesbian," the young woman replied. "I spend my entire day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cow boy?"
"I always thought I was," the old man replied, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were spee! ding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don' t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? !
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Sex, Church & Pancakes
Teen age sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant
and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family
The doctor told her that teenagers today
were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably
result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on
birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.Later that evening, as her daughter was
preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed
her a box of condoms.The girl burst out laughing and reached
over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher,I'll tell you,that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-oldson to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
but just too damn busy. Love the summer, but add working in the yard, and going to the beach every chance we get and baseball practice/games and trying to figure out vaca and it spells no damn time for la blog. I promise i will post as soon as i find some time to glue my butt to the seat. No time to think except for what i need to do. lists everywhere, clutter out of control and must clean the house, but i always put yardwork first. So is that enof excuses for you? if not I'm sure I can think of more. In the meantime I'll be lurking if not commenting. Miss you all.