Youth is, after all, just a moment, but it is the moment, the spark, that you always carry in your heart.
~ Raisa M. Gorbachev quotes
A very thirsty guy realizes that he's just walked into a gay bar. He thinks, "What the hell, I really want a drink."
A gay waiter swishes up to him and says, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer is shocked and says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."
The waiter winks at him and says, "I'm sorry, honey, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of YOUR penis?"
The waiter replies, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."
So the guy thinks about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he asks the guy next to him his dick's name.
"I call mine Ford, because it's built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is Secret."
"Secret?" says the waiter, confused.
The customer says, "Yeah... strong enough for a man, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
I booked into a hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she says, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this.... True story. (If you don't understand this, tell your mother, she'll get it!)
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.
She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store:
Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.
The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.
Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.
Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight..
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar,warm,friendly grin and he said to the woman,
'You put it in your purse.'
deep as the ocean's bottom
can you see the sky
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.'
in me is having fun here in my drafts file - fun deleting all these old drafts - down to 15 and, probably not even half of them will see the light of day. It's funny but i do think that this might've been the job for me. Lots of times after movies i walk out thinking what they could've cut to make it better; and in books too, sometimes i think of a better ending or how they could've made things more beliveable or a character more likeable.
Yes, I think I would've liked having a red pen in my hand or being surrounded by what was left on the cutting floor.
(I'm waiting for an interview for a pt-time job at the local rag for editorial assisant-keep your fingers crossed.)
update: I received an email stating that they would be conducting interviews after Thanksgiving - but i never even got the interview- I did receive an email stating that the position had been filled. No cigar!