From the Happiness Blog
Nineteen Tips for Cheering Yourself Up -- from 200 Years Ago.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the
street.She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the
clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30...'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78
and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there
was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her..
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
"THE MAN OF THE HOUSE"
A husband stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so
I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my
robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director, would be my first guess!"
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I've outlived the bitches.'