An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day
DON'T MESS WITH THE LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school over 2 hours late.
'Why are you so late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around and slapped him, knocking him off his chair again.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a resounding whack!
Marsha doubled over laughing; almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair......
Subject: Nursing Home sex
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his
Accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
Chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull
In their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what
I miss most of all?'
She asks, 'What?'
'Sex!!' he replies.
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hol d it
for a while.'
Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
And talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed,
Decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the
Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another
Who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I
Old Harold smiled happily and replied..... ..'Parkinson's.'