This weeks theme: Books
9 years ago
Joke Friday
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for
a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to
the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome ? Why would any-
one want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy
to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great
rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible
airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly,
and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber
River , called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks
it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really
a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see
the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million
other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to
need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The
hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful." explained the woman, "Not only were
we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it
was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The
food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. The
hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were overbooked. So, they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good,
but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the
Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and
explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors.
If I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait,
the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through
the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a
few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said, "Who fucked up your hair?"
Meme oh meme
A 40 question meme I came across somewhere this past winter, that i just now found in drafts. I usually do a meme in winter, but instead of hitting the delete button - here it is.
1. My uncle once: married and Israeli woman and moved to Israel.
2. Never in my life: have I been to: Morocco (but i'd like to and Italy and Hawaii and ...).
3.When I was five: I was bestfriends with Tommy Sweeney.
4.High School was: fun but difficult to get through.
5. I will never forget: giving birth
6.I once met: George Burns and Bill Cosby(actually i waited on them both, separate occasions)
7. There’s this girl I know who: irritates the sh-t out of me.
8. Once, at a bar: oh i wish it was just once.
9. By noon, I’m usually: just feeling good and awake.
10. Last night: I iced my stupid knee for the umpteenth time.
11. If only I had: it to do over.
12. Next time I go to church: will be when someone dies or gets married
13. Â Terry Schiavo: a pity.
14. What worries me most: most everything that worries me.
15. When I turn my head left, I see: The TV.
16. When I turn my head right, I see:The closed wooden blind on the window.
17. You know I’m lying when: I can’t look you in the eye.
18. What I miss most about the eighties: bad music
19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: Juliette
20. By this time next year: I will be independently wealthy (hopefully).
21. A better name for me would be:______ (fill in the blank, but be nice.)
22. I have a hard time understanding: people who hate people who are different.
23. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: do something creative.
24. You know I like you if: I give you the time of day.
25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: whoever helped me
26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: have nothing in common
27. Take my advice, never: say never
28. My ideal breakfast is: a croissant and coffee
29. A song I love, but do not own is: River by Joni Mitchell
30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: a Petridis'hot dog with mustard & sauerkraut.
31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips, & track stars: dis objects
32. Why won’t people: get along
33.If you spend the night at my house: we'll drink lots of wine, eat something delicious and talk alot.
34. I’d stop my wedding for: hmmmm
35. The world could do without: hate and intolerance.
36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the belly of a cockroach? no way!
37. My favorite blonde is: Golide Hawn or Meg Ryan
38:Â Paper clips are more useful than: rubber bands
39. If I do anything well, it’s: Tell a joke
40. And by the way: Be careful out there.
No tags; but if anyone is foolish enof to do this - leave a link in comments.
Joke Friday
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polk a-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . .. . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants
Joke Friday
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, And every year Buddy would say, 'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old... If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.''
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
joke friday
Subject: It's Hell Getting Old!
It's Hell Getting Old! OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Joke Friday
READ THIS. LET IT REALLY SINK IN. THEN CHOOSE.
John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it!
You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood.
I choose to be in a good mood."
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.
You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life."
I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.
I saw him about six months after the accident.
When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
He continued, "..the paramedics were great.
They kept telling me I was going to be fine.But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."
Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.
After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
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