Joke Friday

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me
know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose..'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.

Joke Friday

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

joke friday

Subject: It's Hell Getting Old!

It's Hell Getting Old! OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Joke Friday

ITALIAN Women are TOUGH!

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

'You Jerk!' she said.

'Those are for the funeral.'

Joke Friday

I THINK I UNDERSTAND THIS ELECTION A LITTLE BETTER NOW
I'm a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight.....
* If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."* Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, it's a quintessential American story.
* If your name is Barack, you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a maverick.
* Graduate from Harvard Law School and you are unstable.* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.
* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Se nate r epresenting a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on t he city council, and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people (the same population as the city of San Francisco), then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.
* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a true Christian.
* If you teach responsible, age-appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.* If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you're very responsible.
* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America's.* If you're husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25, and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.
OK, it's all much clearer now.....

Joke Friday

A rich white guy in Georgia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the token black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the rich white dude said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."The words were barely out of the rich white dude's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it sink to the bottom like a K-Mart gold fish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the rich white guy says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." No, that's okay. I don't want it.", said Leroy. The rich white dude said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it.", answered Leroy. The white dude said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options ?" The brother said no The confused rich white guy said, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthafucka who pushed me in the pool!"

Joke Friday

Bus Crash

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,and everyone inside dies.They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each,before they enter Paradise.They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wishis."I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and itis done.The second one in line hears this and says "I want to begorgeous too.Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeousbut when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the linestarts laughing.When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on thefloor, laughing his head off.Finally, God reaches the last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again".
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'...BE HAPPY!

Joke Friday

Subject: Irish Humor

IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

“Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”

“OK, Dad—as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.”

“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.”

Joke Friday

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us
would now get a nice rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the
money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs
�If we spend it on fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras,
and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will
help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that
money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only
businesses still in the US.

My name is Elliot Spitzer and I approved this ad...

Joke Friday

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Joke Friday

If God had created Eve first,what might have transpired:

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.
"How are things, Eve?", He asked
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied,
"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights,
everything is wonderful. But I just have this one problem.
It's these breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches,
snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain."

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know.
I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" and God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my
favorite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small
oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you!

Now, let's see, where did I leave that useless boob?"

Joke Friday

Subject: FW: IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVISORY FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!!

Joke Friday

The Broken Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time
and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came
out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is the husband.

Joke Friday

Blonde LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking . and oneblonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ....Florida or the moon?"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanicher car died.After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKETA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her verynicely if he could see her license.She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect meto show it to you!"
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICEA gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said thather body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed herknee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made herscream.The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde.""I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

KNITTINGA highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was obliviousto his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down hiswindow,turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!""NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. TheRussiansaid, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook theirheads."You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. Sherolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,can you hear it?"She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and seesanother blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shoutsback, "You ARE on the other side."

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two newdogs,and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?""HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs

Joke Friday

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal. SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting.... Please scroll down .







Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society...

Joke Friday

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He answered, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
"I'm a lesbian," the young woman replied. "I spend my entire day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cow boy?"

"I always thought I was," the old man replied, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Joke Friday

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their
60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that
because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would
give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the
husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly,
"Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy
picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

Joke Friday

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spend with your family." " It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still tryin g to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of
myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this
hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?">

Joke Friday

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar at 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump"

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

The blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money......

Joke Friday

DON'T CALL HOME FOR MONEY!

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the! boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like
that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. don't know her
name-they
just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted
to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who
knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's
going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He
introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run
off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back.
He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send
him the money. So I did."

(Are women good or what?)