has been on my mind since Saturday when I learned of her death. I hated just having to write that-maybe that is why it's been so hard for me to even write about her. The mind seems to travel from shock.. to disbelief .. to denial. It's just unacceptable, can't be/why?why? this remarkable woman gone. Selfishly I think I will never meet her now. I had fantasized about meeting her someday - of taking a train down South; of the train pulling up into her small sleepy town. I imagined us sharing a glass of wine or two and talking into the night; maybe even dancing around the living room. I felt we were kindred spirits. Both born under the astrological sign of Leo (both enjoyed photography and poetry and music). We seemed to have alot in common- we both had children that we adored and black labs - hers a girl, mine a boy and difficult marriages. We gave each other bloggy awards, sent email jokes/videos alot and even exchanged a couple of personal emails and phone numbers, tho we never spoke on the phone.
Today, when I was walking thru the mall, back to Sears to get my car I heard a sad song playing and I thought of Suzanne again and felt sad again ; then at the exact same time I looked up as i was passing the pet shop and saw this puppy taking a crap right in the front window and thought now that would be a good picture and thought did Suzanne arrange that to make me think of her taking that picture and posting it on her blog - to make me smile when I think of her. maybe someday in the future I will, but right now I am still sad on losing this friend, this friend that I never "actually" met but who I did. And if there is an afterlife, I want the stool next to her so we can have that cool one and finally meet and have our talk.
Suzanne, till then. I will miss you.
9 years ago
11 comments:
When I first heard about it I got so angry I could not even go to her blog. I was blind with anger for days ....
She had emailed me that day and noted the time in the email, 10:55 AM. By the time I got to the phone, it was late into the evening and she was gone.
For days I wallowed in guilt, that if I had only been able to talk to her --- things would have been different. But I knew better.
I don't glorify what she did, but I do plan on celebrating her life. You see, I understand, at this old age, that death does not stop life ... and her life, no matter how it was ended, should be celebrated.
I thank you for posting and linking --- let's celebrate her life!
Take care,
Amias
We've all been trying to make sense of this and we never will. Because it doesn't make sense. The best we can do is hope to make peace with it.
And learn the lesson of not waiting to tell the people who are important to us that they're important to us.
And remember. Always remember.
She was a lovely woman, one I knew through her blog. Once a long while ago she left a comment on my blog and I tracked it back and became a regular visitor. She was a lovely person, a gifted artist, and a generous bringer of warmth and sunshine.
I think what Amias and Mojo say reflect my thoughts and feelings. God bless.
I'm really sorry to hear about this. I didn't know of her until you posted, and it's sad that it's too late now.
Suzanne shared her life liberally with countless people on the web. When it was just you and her communicating, she made you feel as if you were the most important person around.
I can say with confidence that I know where she is now, and all these posts are a great source of comfort to the family. Suzanne's children(not kids) and her parents were very important to her. I believe that she is in that cloud of witnesses I wrote about in my faith based blog, Seek Him First, looking down and smiling at our tributes to her.
Your sorrow will not be as deep aand your tributes will come.
Take care,
Cliff
i did not know her or her blog until yesterday when i spent considerable time at her blog after reading yours. among others i looked at her christmas eve post, looked at the comments, saw yours, noticed when she stopped replying, realized when she was gone. it felt so weird. this stranger then affected my life...i felt sad, then sick to my stomach that somewhere in the midst of that afternoon she began to give up - didn't just consider it but actually did it...gave up. i wished someone could have reached her...someone could have helped her climb out of the mire. i am so sorry her life was filled with torment, that she didn't see any other option for relief.
liam rector, a poet and writer, committed suicide in nyc in august 2007. rumor has it that he was bipolar. some said that he indulged in too much alcohol from time to time as many do who suffer from various forms of anxiety and depression. self medication...an anesthetic, sometimes the circuitous means to an end.
in my social work experience i learned that many with bipolar disorder don't like to take their meds. when they are more stable with the meds they seem to miss their manic state, when they felt high, powerful, and invinceable. without the stablization of meds, things can begin to spiral out of control. i don't know if she really was bipolar, (it seems that was mentioned somewhere), but if she was, understanding that disorder may help her friends/family better understand what happened to her.
one of the critical issues from deaths by suicide (besides people feeling intentionally abandoned/rejected) is that loved ones are left trying to understand a puzzle that doesn't always have all the pieces. this exacerbates the pain of losing someone, complicates it and the grieving process, leaves loose ends that feel loose forever. without closure people have difficulty moving forward.
my heart goes out to all her friends and family. i am sorry for their loss, your loss, for her hopelessness, for all of it. i wish you'd had the chance, r, to meet and have that time to talk and dance and celebrate life together. :(
Your commenters are so compassionate and wise. Take strength from them and know that you have real friends in the unreal world.
I am going though all of the beautiful tributes to Suzanne on different blogs and I am deeply saddened about her passing. I can see how much she was loved by others around her... others who she had not even met in person, but shared a wonderful relationship just the same. I have spent the past few days after learning about her passing just reading her blog and celebrating the life she lived... What a true light in everyone's lives. She will continue to live on in the hearts of all who knew her. I am sure she is looking down and smiling...
Namaste,
Leesa
What a lovely tribute to Suzanne that you have left for her, her family, and her friends near and far. I too nurtured a vivid fantasy of going to visit her in the Deep South and sharing a Mint Julep. Now, I'll just have to content myself with doing it in my imagination while I celebrate the striking beauty that she was in so many ways.
Amitiés,
Thank you for visiting my blog. I'm sorry it was the sadness of losing Suzanne that brought the introduction. I keep wondering how losing someone I never met make me so sad. I guess it's the idea of finality and the end of possibilities. I know she is still with us in spirit urging us all to stay connected, if not in person, than through the blogosphere.
I came to your blog after your comment under the tribute to suzanne on my blog.First I was reading about the jokes on Friday and that made me smile..AS since last night, I learnt about her death, I cried and felt so weird.I couldnt sleep.Suzanne was the one who used to comfort me and made me feel strong...so it didnt make sense why she did what she did...But the more I read about comments, the more I realised, she was after all a human being.She must have had felt 'fed up'at some point.The word 'fed up' can be linked to so many feelings.But anyway, I have also understood, like Amias said, lets not try to understand why it happened, but lets celebrate her life, as surely this is what she would have wanted.I am still in denial to be honest.I need time to deal with this.But I feel good to link with those who were also her friends.Yesterday it was hard to pay my tribute properly as I did so in between tears.But to sum up, Suzanne was an Angel who touched one and million hearts.This is it!!
Thanks 'r' .
May she rest in peace.
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