Joke Friday

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polk a-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . .. . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants

Wordless Wednesday

Photohunter

This weeks theme: painted

Joke Friday

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, And every year Buddy would say, 'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old... If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.''
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

Wordless Wednesday

Ruby Tuesday

Photohunter

This weeks theme: In Memory

joke friday

Subject: It's Hell Getting Old!

It's Hell Getting Old! OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Wordless Wednesday

Photohunter

This weeks theme: Walking

Joke Friday

READ THIS. LET IT REALLY SINK IN. THEN CHOOSE.
John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it!
You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood.
I choose to be in a good mood."
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.
You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life."
I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.
I saw him about six months after the accident.
When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
He continued, "..the paramedics were great.
They kept telling me I was going to be fine.But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."
Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.
After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Poem in your pocket day

Today is the 2nd annual poem in your pocket day. Please join in! Leave one here in comments or leave a link to one on your site.

First Haiku

Life is a journey

old cat sleeping on futon

road in the distance

First love (click on link)

Wordless Wednesday

Photohunter

This weeks theme: protect(ion)

Joke Friday

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed .

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

Wordless Wednesday

Round Robin Challenge: In Flight

Photohunter

This weeks theme: Purple

Joke Friday

MY FIVE NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along,& when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.
When he leaves,Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day. He doesn 't like to stay in one place very long,so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed With Ben Gay. What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.

now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper ...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and 'Count your blessings!!!!!!!

The good news is

Sometimes you just have to trust your gut.

Last wk. after booking surgery for my knee,I tried to put all doubts aside, I really did but somehow they found me. I’m not a big believer in divine anything but after last wk. I was calling it divine or (any) intervention.
I was walking into a local grocery store when I saw someone i knew, a friend of a friend. I held back to avoid having to talk. She went in but then stopped and I stopped but then forged ahead and passed her, hoping she didn't’ see me( i just didn't feel much like chatting; i just wanted to get in and get out). But, as fate would have it, i was nabbed. "R... is that you? "( nope it's hop a long/peg(leg) or gimpy as they've been calling me at work (g-d love yr. co-workers).
"You're limping, what happened?"
I gave her the short version of what had happened ( not the 4 part blog post). and when i got to who was going to do my surgery, the look on her face confirmed my doubts and after talking to her, I knew that he would never be cutting into me. Herself, having undergone the same surgery that i needed, told me of her surgeon and raved about what a top notch Boston surgeon she is and how she had come highly recommended to her.
So first thing Mon. morning i got on the horn to this dr. and made an appt. it was a long week waiting impatiently to get in, especially after i cancelled my surgery for that week.
So when I got in to see her i was ready to consent to surgery that day if she wanted to do it. Really,I was ready, i am sick to death of limpin around and not being able to do what i want/like to do - ie: walk the dog, work in my gardens/walk normally. But when she tells me that I don't need surgery. Hell, well that's good right, i think. Long story short, she wouldn't operate on the ruptured ACL and she's not sure that Meniscus surgery is necessary/will help. That my symptoms seems to be from the swelling and surgery would make that worse. Swell!
So she recommends trying PT for a couple of weeks, then coming back to see her to see how I'm doing. (? )
Of course i forgot to ask her the obvious: and then what?

(anyone out there with meniscus/acl/knee stories to tell, please feel free to leave a post in comments or a link.)