10 years ago
Joke Friday
Little Johnny Tells A Story About Aunt Karen...
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Little Johnny was left.
'Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory,
and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and her parachute landed
her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.
'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.
This is why i don't like to watch/read the news...
This has had me upset since last week when i read it on the front page of the paper Sunday morning. I just hate the fact that we have home-grown terrorists to worry about too.
Secret Service under strain as leaders face more threats - The Boston Globe
Posted using ShareThis
Joke Friday
And that's how the fight got started-------------------
One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight got started.--------------------------------
My wife walked into the den and asked, "What's on the TV?" I replied, "Dust."
And that's how the fight got started.--------------------------------
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what shesaw and said, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.I replied, 'Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight got started.--------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight got started.--------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she replied. "How about the kitchen?" I suggested.
And that's how the fight got started.--------------------------------
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. So I said, "Is that your final answer?" Without even looking at me, she said, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's how the fight got started.-------------------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look a lot better than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight got started.--------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, rare, please," I told him. He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?" "Nah," I said, "she can order for herself."
And that's how the fight got started.
Sunday Sampler
This is something we should all read at least once a week.
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time the time it needs.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved..
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Joke Friday
these kids think on their feet!!!!!!!!!!
Kids Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
PASS IT AROUND
AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!
Joke Friday
Bitches 'til the End
Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friend s were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
Joke Friday
A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Italian.' The intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, 'Don't Miss The Amazing Italian'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. 'You're incredible' he told the Italian, 'but I have to know something I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts ?'
'Well,' said the Italian, 'my eyes aren't what they used to be'
Joke Friday
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and
all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business..
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of the ages... With an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iraq & Iran , ruled by nuts..
Joke Friday
Would you remarry?
Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question
WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'
HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'
WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'
WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house.'
WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'
WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'
WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND: 'No. I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'
HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'
WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?'
HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'
WIFE: - silence -
HUSBAND: ' . . . Sh * t.'
Joke Friday
Did you know that Eagles mate for life?
Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is . 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!' Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........ 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was..... (scroll down)
NO, The duck didn't say THAT ... Don't be SO disgusting!
The duck said.... 'I am aDRAKE,You made a MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!
The worst person in the world is....
Rep. Joe Wilson- when he yelled out "you lie" when Obama was obviously telling the truth that illegal aliens would Not be covered in this plan. What was he thinking, or not thinking - the dumb ass. Unbelievable! I couldn't believe it - 1st time ever that a president was demeaned like that. but then he is the first black president, so why am I surprised by the knee jerk reaction(racist) such as was displayed by the rep. of S.C.
And as always, Obama kept his cool and continued on with his speech and an exceptionally good one i might add; tho i thought there were a couple of remarks that could have been edited out that left him open for ridicule - like when he said it needed some work and there were the ensuing snickers. But all in all I think he defended this bill and the need for this bill very well. Especially when he brought up "moral principles" and the character of our country. well i'll let you watch it yourselves, if you missed it.
What I found interesting as he spoke was watching who stood up and who didn't, those applauding and those who frowned or had forced mocking smiles. And especially hard was watching Vicki Kennedy holding back tears as Obama spoke of Ted Kennedy.
Now go call your Congressmen, what are you waiting for - we need health care reform and we need it Now!
And for Much better coverage of all this go over to Keith Olbermanns Countdown.
Keith you're my hero.
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