This weeks theme: Bright
9 years ago
Joke Friday
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
Joke Friday
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day
Joke Friday
DON'T MESS WITH THE LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school over 2 hours late.
'Why are you so late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around and slapped him, knocking him off his chair again.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a resounding whack!
Marsha doubled over laughing; almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair......
Joke Friday
Subject: Nursing Home sex
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his
Accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
Chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull
In their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what
I miss most of all?'
She asks, 'What?'
'Sex!!' he replies.
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hol d it
for a while.'
Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit
And talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed,
Mildred
Decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the
Senior
Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another
female resident,
Who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I
don't have?'
Old Harold smiled happily and replied..... ..'Parkinson's.'
For us dog lovers
I wish i knew how to get the video on here but here is the link.
http://www.koreus.com/video/chien-danseur.html
Joke Friday
Subject: Fwd: ARE YOU A BITCH?
Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about
their professions. The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...Young,
Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says,"I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you now....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
A second gal answers their question before they even ask it: "BITCH."
"What exactly is a BITCH?!?", they ask in unison.
"Babe In Total Control of Herself."
So ladies, next time somebody calls you "Bitch"
-SMILE...and say "Thank You!!"
Joke Friday
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their
60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that
because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would
give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her
wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly,
"Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and boom!!....
He was 90.
Excuses, excuses
Yet more excuses for not blogging/posting/commenting lately:
Endless yard work
Dirty house
Baseball
Driving kids to the mall(movies)
Deck dilemma(old one falling down/design dilemma/material dilemma/$$$dilemma
+ need new bulkhead and to fix grading problem.
Making call for Obama
Obsession with MSNBC and the Democratic Campaign - (c'mon Hillary give it up- let's get on with it!)
Depression trying to rear it's ugly head and winning i think.
Getting ready(but not doing anything to get ready) to go to Washington DC on Friday
Trying to make plans for summer vacation but not getting anywhere with that
And last but not least down to one ailing computer - the kid broke the laptop (yup dropped it off his lap - well chair actually but it was on his lap before he put it on the chair).
This one here is 6 or 7 years old and is on it's 3rd life- having crashed 2 hard drives. Last nite one of the bright blue screens with white writing that spell doom & gloom appeared and luckily i am still here today.
Hopefully i will be back someday soon.
Joke Friday
(Tis the season!)
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The
teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise
your hand?" "Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied. The teacher, still
shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan
of? "I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, please tell the class why
you are a Red Sox fan?" "Because my Mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is a Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an
obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled,
"I'd be a Yankees fan."
This weeks theme: Anything goes
One of my favs - taken from a boat in my local waters. I have this on my computer as my screen saver.
Joke Friday
Subject: 7th degree blondes
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirrorand says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer app roach ed the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of th e cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
Joke Friday
(My name is RDL and I Do Not endorse this joke - i just thought it was funny.)
Subject: What Ireland thinks
"We in Ireland cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer(disbarred), and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Where the hell's the contest here?"
CHANGE!!!!
Yes! Enof of the mud slinging, and having to defend himself against the remarks of others. Let's get on with this election! The Democrats have to bring this to a close - and he's our man. I seriously cannot take another 4 years of this war and economy!! And after Hillary's stupid comment about obliterating Iran, I don't want her answering the phone at 2AM.
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