9 years ago
Joke Friday
LADY'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, "Your height?" "5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5'2"
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
Joke Friday
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, black panties, black stiletto heels and a black mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Well, here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
Joke Friday
Mad Wife Disease...... "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied......."Your horse called."
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,"
He explained
Joke Friday
This explains why I forward jokes. A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. 'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book..
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog. 'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked. 'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
Soooo... Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still cared for, guess what you get?...............A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, from me, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile..
You are all welcome at my water bowl anytime
Joke Friday
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Sunday Sampler
I've posted this list before, but I love it, so am supplying it again. I read it in a biography of the English writer Sydney Smith, in Hesketh Pearson’s The Smith of Smiths. In 1820, Smith wrote a letter to an unhappy friend, Lady Morpeth, in which he offered her tips for cheering up. I have my own variety of tips lists for cheering up, and I was interested to hear what someone from two centuries ago would recommend. Most of Smith's suggestions are as sound now as they were almost 200 years ago -- "attend to the effects tea and coffee produce upon you" for example, is thoroughly modern. A few, though, are amusingly odd. It might be tougher today to work "good blazing fires" into everyday life. My favorites are #1, 3, 6, 13, 15, 16, and 17. “1st. Live as well as you dare. What rings true for you?From the Happiness Blog
I like them all but especially #'s 4,5,6,7, & 11; but not #12!
Nineteen Tips for Cheering Yourself Up -- from 200 Years Ago.
2nd. Go into the shower-bath with a small quantity of water at a temperature low enough to give you a slight sensation of cold, 75 or 80 degrees.
3rd. Amusing books.
4th. Short views of human life—not further than dinner or tea.
5th. Be as busy as you can.
6th. See as much as you can of those friends who respect and like you.
7th. And of those acquaintances who amuse you.
8th. Make no secret of low spirits to your friends, but talk of them freely—they are always worse for dignified concealment.
9th. Attend to the effects tea and coffee produce upon you.
10th. Compare your lot with that of other people.
11th. Don’t expect too much from human life—a sorry business at the best.
12th. Avoid poetry, dramatic representations (except comedy), music, serious novels, melancholy, sentimental people, and everything likely to excite feeling or emotion, not ending in active benevolence.
13th. Do good, and endeavour to please everybody of every degree.
14th Be as much as you can in the open air without fatigue.
15th. Make the room where you commonly sit gay and pleasant.
16th. Struggle by little and little against idleness.
17th. Don’t be too severe upon yourself, or underrate yourself, but do yourself justice.
18th. Keep good blazing fires.
19th. Be firm and constant in the exercise of rational religion.
20th. Believe me, dear Lady Georgiana.”
Dreams
I bought that brown Rambler on the Vineyard - another one of my $500 specials. Had a lot of those. My first car was a Red Rambler - push button convertible that my uncle, who had a gas station in the Bronx, got for me. I thought i was very cool at college with that car. But back to the brown rambler - when i moved to the Boston area it was a liability - i was forever getting tickets til i finally got the boot - a huge metal contraption so you couldn't drive off til they eventually towed it away and impounded it. I remember I paid more than i paid for the car to get it out. I wanted them to just keep the car but they told me I'd still owe the money. Then when i moved in town and i didn't use the car much, cept on wkends to get out of town, i would invariably lose it. I literally would forget where i parked it after a week and have to go look for it. So I sometimes have this dream that i still have the car and i'm looking for it.
Did a search of "dreams" on my blog.
What strange/reoccurring dreams do you have??
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