I've thought of several titles for this post; in hesitation of writing about it. Let's see there was : eye opener and well, frankly i've forgotten the others but I'm still trying to stall as I don't really know how to write about tonite; perhaps I should wait til tomorrow and let it settle; but now that wouldn't be fair now, would it. Ok so today my son and I went food shopping for the dinner we were providing that nite for the homeless staying at our temple this week. They stay a week at different places of worship all winter. Last night we went and collected baked goods from Au bon pain, that they otherwise would have thrown out ( mindboggling i said ,as we drove home, when people in other parts of the world go without food). Then today I prepared the food as my son played with a friend til I said it was time for us to deliver the food. He helped me load it in the car and off we went to deliver our food , or so we thought. There are 2 chaperones a night. When we got there we were met by the Rabbi who told us the men were being transported there from another screening church and that the chaperones would be there soon. We chatted for a few minutes while we unloaded the bags of food. As we unpacked and prepared I saw him talking to a man who I recognized. He walked over and introduced us. I said I remember you, you liked my father so much. He smiled in recognition and said, "oh yes, i remember, i enjoyed him so much. This man was a member of the church that housed the temple that we used to belong to; that is until i met the Rabbi of our present temple. I told this nice man, Fred, that the Rabbi had done my father's memorial service and Fred said, oh I'm sorry I hope everyone is okay. I remember how kind he was to my father, hanging on his every word - so respectful.
Carrase- (a made up word by Kurt Vonnegut in Cat's cradle, must dig that book out and read it again)- it means - the people that you are supposed to meet in your life. How apprepro, always loved that word. I think it even translates to us bloggers - the bloggers you are supposed to meet. Blarrase??
Seems i've managed to get off track here and since there is more to tell, but I'm ready for my shower and pajamas, I promise I will finish tomorrow; let's just hope I can remember.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Well it seems that I am one to go to extremes. I went from posting daily for a month ( Nanoblopomo) to practically abandoning my blog (cept for Joke Friday - that, it appears I am committed to). I have as many excuses as days in the week. My arms and Christmas having been the top contenders.
With New Years just around the corner, I've already begun thinking of those damn resolutions ( that I refuse to make, because I never keep them) but i silently think of them anyway- so to get it out of the way early - here goes:
1)Eat less/better (stop buying anything but coffee at Dunkies!).
2) Exercise more (especially those damn arm exercises).
3) Read more
4) Write more
5) Practice piano
6) Get to those photo albums. (or at least get an external hard drive to put them on so I don' t lose them, next time the computer decides to crash).
7) Finish unfinished projects ( that could take the remainder of the year).
8) Keep in touch with old friends more.
9) See local friends more.
10) Laugh more.
I'm sure there are more that I can add(like be a better person, complain less, do more) but 10 seems like a good number so i'll stop here.
Holiday Eating Rules
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5 Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one
hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and screaming, man what a
ride!!!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on.
It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what
do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins
i know you nice folks are probably sick of hearing about my stupid arm(s) and since it's not good for it to be typing and I can still use the mouse on my right, I think i will just visit you all today. Hmm, yea, bu what about comments - well maybe short ones are ok.
I got some hot sauce on my hand from dinner(Thai take-out) tonight and it's now in my eye. So instead I'm going to go rinse my eye and ice my everlovin(G-d damn)arm and call it a night.
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic... think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural reso urces. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The b iker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus
3) You are Santa Claus
4) You look like Santa Claus
I think I got that right. Saw it on the blackboard at work and since I've got nothing here (no motivation) I thought I'd share that. Now I'm going to bed; Xmas is hard work!
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for college:: drink alcohol, party, and you're
generally promiscuous.
Then in high school: do similar as college and prepare for primary
school.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you
have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
