Joke Friday

NEVER ASK A SOUTHERN GRANDMOTHER

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they
aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called
his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He
approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've
known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across
the room and ask ed, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated
on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes,
I know
him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a
very
quiet v oice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she
knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."

I am methodically going through my drafts folder (all 68 and deciding which to pitch) and even tho i didn't finish this one I thought I'd post it anyway - feel free to add/link yr. 13 (cat or dog).

Thirteen things I learned from my dog:

1) He will eat Anything (including cat poop).
2) Don't leave anything out( and that includes on beds or nightstands) that might be remotely edible (including the TV remote, cordless phone,books-expensive library ones.
3) Separation anxiety in dogs is very real ( i will even eat my way out of that expensive cage you bought)
4) If you're cute enof you get to sleep on the bed.
5) He can open doors(French that is)
6) A walk a day is good for you
7) The sun feels good shining down on you on the deck
8) It's fun smelling the air, especially with your head hanging out of a car window going 50 mi. per hr.
9) catching a ball in your mouth is an art form.
10) eating is a hobby & sport.

(If you click on the pic to enlarge you can see the drool coming out of the sides of his mouth and his beautiful brown King Kong eyes.)

and yes i do know its Wednesday, i probably should've saved this one til tmrr. but then I always was the rule breaker.

Records

I just reached 2 records and felt compelled to announce them:

10,000 visitors!! ( just passed this mark this week).
and....
500 posts ( just over, but 68 of those are saved drafts) so not truly there yet.

Hard to believe, but my 2 year Anniversary went unnoticed as well, back in May.

Sweeping...

I like to sweep(good thing since i have to do it everyday- with all the black lab hair and boy dirt),but i hate to vacuum, that is i hate the vacuum. I hate getting it out, dragging it around behind me, having thinks get stuck in them, their not working, having to get them fixed, changing the bag, putting them back(that is when i do - it's usual out for weeks before i use it sometimes, i might add.

And i hate to dust. spreading all that dust around! and to what end, it'll be back in a couple of days. But I know from where this stems - my mother must've hated to dust, cause that was a chore she had me do alot.

Laundry - not bad. don't mind doing it, but don't like putting it away and folding isn't that great either.

Favorite cleaning expressions:
Round Robin: basically you just keep doing things, are never really done.

Keeping the devil from your door: doing just enough so they don't condemn the place.

As for yardwork, believe it or not i like to weed - mindless satisfying weeding. No big decisions and a sense of accomplishment almost immediately.

So what's yr. favs/hates?

Joke Friday

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he
has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the m! ost
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next
four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better
and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover
that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program." "Absolutely, " he replies, "I haven't felt this good
in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoesand a sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you, your ass is mine."

It must be a full moon...

Last nights dream was rather mundane/boring - dreamt about scrub pants colors - Blue, White & Tan and remember talking to a Doc. i work with who was telling me to get these better quality, more expensive pair - funny since he's such a tightwad - always saying Thanks, or goodbye after a shift if he sees us standing around for a minute after we've finished working up patients- if it's a few minutes before end of shift/punch out.
Hate dreamin about work on my vaca. Can't i get back to Paris? (see prev. post).

I finally applied for Passports for my son & I. While I was in the post office there was a loud noise and we looked out the window and saw a car had crashed into the building that houses the post office. 2nd time this year - another elderly person thinking she's in reverse.

Got some bad news - found out today that my niece ( my husband's brothers older girl) had a c-section today and her baby girl is ok but the tumor that they thought would be nothing is Cancer. She's only 28 and has 2 beautiful boys (2&4). This is so sad, so awful.

A friend called to tell me about the bridge collapsing in Minn. - she knows i don't regularly watch the news.

I checked the calendar and the full moon was Mon. I guess that explains some things.

Dream log

Last night I dreamt that I was in a car crash,fortunately i woke up.

Two nights ago I dreamt that I had a lover in Paris, unfortunately I woke up.

What did you dream last nite?

Joke Friday

the 11th Husband


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.


"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implem ent, and design a new state of the-art method.


"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.


"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.


"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.


"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.


"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.


" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".


"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?


"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."




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Check it out....

Noelle over at The Daily Tannebaum has given me an award - "The Rockin Blogger Girl Award". Like Noelle I secretly would like to be a rocker too; but unlike her I am too old now and the day job and carting the 13 yr. old to his sports gets in the way. Now I just hope that he will be more serious about his music than I was about mine and get really good at drums and be in a band so I can at least be a groupie finally.

Vacation came and went and time slipped away and I came home to find that Suzanne over at Liquid Illuzion also bestowed the award on me. Feelin like i have to go out and get a pair of stillettos to trip up and collect my Oscars on; also feeling very undeserveth as I practically have abandoned the blog, what with the garden and baseball and family visiting. I haven't missed a Joke Friday tho. I promise to do better. Yeah, yeah - give her the hook.

Now, the nominees please...Of all the deserving bloggers that I read out there I am going to pick - Jona of Lentulae Vitae because I just really enjoy reading her trials & tribulations even tho she doesn't post regularly( and who can blame her with that brood of hers) I'm always happy when i discover that she has. and Ipanema of Under the Canopy because she always makes me think.
and Patry Francis of Simply Wait, because she's my best friend and a great writer - Buy her book- The Liar's Diary.

Joke Friday

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He answered, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

"I'm a lesbian," the young woman replied. "I spend my entire day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cow boy?"

"I always thought I was," the old man replied, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Joke Friday

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were spee! ding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don' t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? !

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

pretty funny

Bush Impersonator - This Kid Is Awesome
|Funny Jokes at JibJab

Joke Friday

Sex, Church & Pancakes

Teen age sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant
and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family
doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today
were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably
result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on
birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.Later that evening, as her daughter was
preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed
her a box of condoms.The girl burst out laughing and reached
over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher,I'll tell you,that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-oldson to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

No excuses...

but just too damn busy. Love the summer, but add working in the yard, and going to the beach every chance we get and baseball practice/games and trying to figure out vaca and it spells no damn time for la blog. I promise i will post as soon as i find some time to glue my butt to the seat. No time to think except for what i need to do. lists everywhere, clutter out of control and must clean the house, but i always put yardwork first. So is that enof excuses for you? if not I'm sure I can think of more. In the meantime I'll be lurking if not commenting. Miss you all.
Stay cool.

Joke Friday

THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country
He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard
work as the ground was
hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was
in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't
be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting
too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my
troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to
dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police
arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man
received another letter from his son.


Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I
could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

On the road again

Should be asleep. Having my usual pre-trip jitters. just polished off the ice cream so i'll be headin to bed soon.
Off to Montreal in the morning for a quick trip with #1 son and a youth group from temple. I'm the chaperone- shaking my head in disbelief on that one.
Now i'm wondering if there's anyone from blogland living in Montreal; I know some of you are Canadian but don't know the different areas at all.
Well, I'm not looking forward to the 7 hrs. in the car - 4/5 seems to be my limit; but the boy is excited about his first time out of the country and i'm sure it will be fun, once we get there.

Joke Friday

The Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral..... I'm a gynecologist." At this point the urologist fainted...

Homework assignment

I don't know why but this morning standing on the side porch waiting for the wave from my 13 yr. old son that means the other kid is at the bus stop so that I don't have to fear for his abduction (when exactly will i stop fearing that?). anyway he was telling me about the last book that he just finished in a series that he devoured( no pun intended - it was about vampires - Cirque du Freak). I told him he would have to tell me about it at the beach this summer since this is his next to last day of school. And for some reason some books came flooding in my head. One of them was The Magus by John Fowles that I read ions ago. I remember that I really liked it but never really "got" it. anyone out there that read it, got it or not, and would like to right a bookreport. I'm an eary marker.

PS: i do realize that this should be edited but that would make me even later for work.
Ciao

Joke Friday

BIRTHDAY REMEMBRANCE

This week we celebrate a special birthday: Monica Lewinsky turned 31.
Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees and putting everything
in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

fives

(Found this in the draft folder from last year and actually didnt' change a thing, so i guess it's true.)

Don't know whose blog I found this on and I think I might have done it before but hey, desperate times call for desparate measures.

1.5 things I would do if I were a millionaire
* buy a new "green"/hybird car and truck(for dump runs and the beach).
* Have a huge Bloggers convention/party
* Actually take some piano lessons.
* Take an extended vacation aka around the world
* Two words: plastic surgery

2. 5 bad habits
* procrastinating
* Drink too much wine
* Waiting until the last minute to do things
* sleep too little
* Eating poorly or too much

3. 5 things I hate doing
* Working out, although I know i need to.
* Going out in the cold.
* Vacuuming
* Dusting
* Mopping

4. 5 things I would never do
* Wear a fur
* Jump out of an airplane
* Crocodile hunt
* Run for political office
* Sing the national anthemn at a ball game

5. 5 things I regret doing
* Dropping out of college
* Working in the restaurant business 1/2 my life
* Staying at my present job that I don't like anymore
* Not making a decision
* Not finding my way

6. 5 favorite toys or things.
* PC
* Laptop
* my son's Ipod
* digital camara
* cell phone? nah - pizza

ok you know what to do.