Oct 20, 2008
Dear Red States:
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, andwe're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware,that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota,Wisconsin, Michigan , Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe thissplit will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the peopleof the new country of New California.To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue ofLiberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You getWorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent ofAmerica's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We gettwo-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states paytheir fair share.Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than theChristian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please beaware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we'regoing to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you needpeople to fight, ask your evangelicals.With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percentof the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineappleand lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent ofAmerica's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, mostof the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias andcondors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Techand MIT.With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health carecosts), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of thetornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all SouthernBaptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We getHollywood and Yosemite, thank you.Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah wasactually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacredunless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent saythat evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involvedin 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are peoplewith higher morals then we lefties.
"The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time."
Oct 20, 2008