9 years ago
Joke Friday
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, And every year Buddy would say, 'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old... If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.''
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
joke friday
Subject: It's Hell Getting Old!
It's Hell Getting Old! OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Joke Friday
READ THIS. LET IT REALLY SINK IN. THEN CHOOSE.
John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it!
You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood.
I choose to be in a good mood."
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.
You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life."
I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.
I saw him about six months after the accident.
When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
He continued, "..the paramedics were great.
They kept telling me I was going to be fine.But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."
Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.
After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Poem in your pocket day
Today is the 2nd annual poem in your pocket day. Please join in! Leave one here in comments or leave a link to one on your site.
Life is a journey
old cat sleeping on futon
road in the distance
First love (click on link)
Joke Friday
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed .
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.
Joke Friday
MY FIVE NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!
I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along,& when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.
When he leaves,Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day. He doesn 't like to stay in one place very long,so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed With Ben Gay. What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.
now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper ...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and 'Count your blessings!!!!!!!
The good news is
Sometimes you just have to trust your gut.
Last wk. after booking surgery for my knee,I tried to put all doubts aside, I really did but somehow they found me. I’m not a big believer in divine anything but after last wk. I was calling it divine or (any) intervention.
I was walking into a local grocery store when I saw someone i knew, a friend of a friend. I held back to avoid having to talk. She went in but then stopped and I stopped but then forged ahead and passed her, hoping she didn't’ see me( i just didn't feel much like chatting; i just wanted to get in and get out). But, as fate would have it, i was nabbed. "R... is that you? "( nope it's hop a long/peg(leg) or gimpy as they've been calling me at work (g-d love yr. co-workers).
"You're limping, what happened?"
I gave her the short version of what had happened ( not the 4 part blog post). and when i got to who was going to do my surgery, the look on her face confirmed my doubts and after talking to her, I knew that he would never be cutting into me. Herself, having undergone the same surgery that i needed, told me of her surgeon and raved about what a top notch Boston surgeon she is and how she had come highly recommended to her.
So first thing Mon. morning i got on the horn to this dr. and made an appt. it was a long week waiting impatiently to get in, especially after i cancelled my surgery for that week.
So when I got in to see her i was ready to consent to surgery that day if she wanted to do it. Really,I was ready, i am sick to death of limpin around and not being able to do what i want/like to do - ie: walk the dog, work in my gardens/walk normally. But when she tells me that I don't need surgery. Hell, well that's good right, i think. Long story short, she wouldn't operate on the ruptured ACL and she's not sure that Meniscus surgery is necessary/will help. That my symptoms seems to be from the swelling and surgery would make that worse. Swell!
So she recommends trying PT for a couple of weeks, then coming back to see her to see how I'm doing. (? )
Of course i forgot to ask her the obvious: and then what?
(anyone out there with meniscus/acl/knee stories to tell, please feel free to leave a post in comments or a link.)
Joke Friday
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up
on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything
seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break
it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck
and we were unable to find it.'
The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've
checked your insurance and you've actually got up to £9,000
compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the
technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as
your old one, better in fact.
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'
The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple
decision,' the doctor says, 'you need to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you
had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inches before and you decide only to invest in a five inches now, she might be a bit disappointed.
So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have.' says the chap.
'And has she helped you to make the decision?'
'Yes, she has' he says.
'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.
'We're having a new kitchen.'
Out with the old...
Well, finally gave Blogrolling the boot. I liked it when I first got it. Loved seeing those asteriks after my favorite blogs, knowing they've updated and I could go over and peruse them. But then it froze my blog and I had to get rid of it temporally. When I put it make up it was under repair for months and months(no asteriks) and when it came back, it was not the same ( is it ever?). It had those awful,annoying pop-up advertisements on top of the blog you were trying to view. So last week. I added all those blogs to my favorites in the blogger template and no, there are no more asteriks but it does tell me when last you updated and the title of your post. So bye, bye blogrolling.
And .... "In with the new". I would very much like to know, if anyone out there could explain to me - just how do you add more blog posts at the end of the main blog page so that you can easily scroll down to older (previous) posts??
Joke Friday
BRITISH HUMOUR
The train was quite crowded and an American tourist walked the entire length looking for a seat but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.The travel-weary man asked 'Ma'am may I have that seat?'The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
Again the man walked the entire train again but the only seat left was under that dog.'Please ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'She snorted 'Not only are you Americans rude you are also arrogant!'This time the man didn't say a word he just picked up the little dog tossed it to the floor of the train.The woman shrieked 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up: 'Sir, you Americans always seem to do the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch to the floor. '
Joke Friday
Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably...
The Family Dog!
Quatro
Ok, what's left to tell of this tale. Mon. our last day there, just hung around the pool all day. No snorkling, no ferry to cozumel, no shopping and definitely no Salsa dancing. I did call the airlines in the morning and found out it would be $150 each to change the flight to that day or I could go see the Mexican Dr.($125) and get a note to have it changed for medical reasons. We had dinner that night early and were back in the room before 9 - more Mexican TV after packing. Thank
G-d for sleeping pills i say.
The next morning the last breakfast on the patio. I liked breakfast the best there actually. Cappuchino machine, fresh fruit, yogurt, croissants and someone making omelets - what's not to like? Then we headed to the airport. The airline gave us a wheelchair and my husband wheeled me thru the airport in Cancun and in Miami and thru customs and back in Boston.
We got in late and luckily i had the next day off from work. I was able to get an appt. with an Ortho Dr. the following day. Diagnosis: Synviossis/Trauma to the knee. Treatment: the RICE diet Rest, ice, compression and elevate. That was thurs. i didn't have to go back to work to last mon. He said if it wasn't better in 2 wks. to call for an MRI. Went yesterday.
Diagnosis: Torn(or worse) Meniscus and possible tear/complete rupture of the ACL.
Bummer
El Final
Tres
Ok, let's see if we can wrap this Mexican debacle up.
After dragging myself up the stairs, I lay on the bed with my leg up on 2 pillows with ice. When I got sick of watching Mexican TV, I dragged myself into the shower, got myself dressed and back down those stairs Iwent.
We got a table out on the patio and my husband asked me what i wanted to eat from the buffet. I said,"Nothing, I really don't feel like eating." or drinking for that matter - especially not that watered down wine from the silver water pitchers. When he got back and sat down, the tears started to roll down my cheeks.
Yep, the ole alcohol aftermath. The Happy Hour Haze had worn off and we were smack dab in the Depression Daze. Feeling sorry for myself, feeling like i'd ruined the vacation and just wanting to go home. We were discussing whether to see the Mexican Dr. down the road at the other resort, when I jokingly said,"maybe i should shout out-is there a doctor in the house? "To which my husband retorted, "would you really want one who was staying here? " I laughed and said well i guess not, but maybe we could go up the street to the 5 star resort (ours was a 3).
So i had a little roast beef and mashed potatoes and watered down wine and hobbled down to the bar for a nitecap- a Spanish Coffee, then called it a night. No disco dancing for this girl tonite.
I hate Sundays
I know you are supposed to love Sundays, a day of rest and relaxation. Rrright... A day of catch-up, hurry-up, get the shopping done/laundry done/ cook! and clean cause tomorrow you go back to Work( i realize i am dating myself here but i can hear Maynard g. Crebs(from the Dobie Gillis show) yell "Work". Note - i was a very precocious child with a teenage brother 7 yrs. my senior so i'm not That old - yes i am, who am i kidding? Anyway Dread & Loathing in Massachusetts sets in Sun. night when thoughts of going back to work the next day creep in. I even seem to have more trouble then usual getting to sleep - worrying about getting up, getting there on time and functioning in the capacity that i am paid for(translantion: not running, yelling and screaming from the building). I know, bad attitude. What can I say, i was meant to be a free spirit - no time clocks for this girl.
I just remembered this t-shirt i saw when i was down in Mexico: Forced to Work, Born to Party. I guess that says it all.
Blog pick of the week goes to....... Hotel de Ville de Paris , my favorite little blogger friend and friend in the real world as well. Go visit.
Joke Friday
We are in trouble...
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
Part II
I was trying to remember what I said when i fell. I think i might've said I broke my knee?? It happened so fast I really don't remember but when my husband helped me up, I realized pretty quickly that I couldn't walk/put any weight on my left leg. He helped my hop back up the beach to our chairs. Then he went to get ice for my knee and brought me back a bloody mary with an extra shot of vodka because we had already realized how weak their drinks were. Ah, liquid pain killers. After the drink we moved(with great difficulty) back over to the pool area in the shade. He left me there reading (or trying to) and went for a swim. He brought me lunch because i could no way walk to the buffet. At some point we procurred some crutches from the guy at the pool/towel shack. They were pretty cool - adjustable, cept they weren't that easy to use, as i found out(never having had the opportunity to use them before and hopefully never again.). I actually found out yesterday that i was definitely using them wrong if my armpits hurt(which they did). Let's see the rest of the afternnoon was alchohol led: beer (or 2) with lunch, then i switched to my fav: pina coloadas- not sure if i had 1 or 2 - probably 2 - yes i think i had the 2nd at the swim-up pool bar; however in my case it was the lower her down from her crutches bar. where there is a will there is a way. Commonsense prevailed tho and i left after that one and slowly made my way back to the room- did i mention we were on the 2nd floor - no elevator?
I get drunk, i fall down, no problem
Remember that t-shirt? I do, from when i lived in the caribbean. Instead this time i was visiting and mine would've read- I wasn't drunk, i fell down, big problem. well not a Big problem, but big to me. My husband kept reminding me it wasn't my heart or another organ - good thing, since we were in Mexico. I didn't bother going to the dr.($100/$125 if he comes to you) down the street at the other resort; i figured what can he do. Maybe I would feel better if it was a MPB(mysterious party bruise- as a girl at work called them). But i did this walking down the beach or i should say starting to walk down the beach. we were only Day 3 of vaca and i had already done Yoga on the beach and was planning on maybe doing the water aerobics , but definitely doing the the Salsa dancing at 3/poolside with the cute little (well tall) beach boy in the red shorts. I had just takin a picture of this pelican and was just starting off on a walk down the beach to one of the other resorts. I stopped to look at the damn bird, a wave crashed in, someone was walking behind me and i turned funny or something and the next thing i knew my foot twisted under and i fell on my knee on the hard wet sand.
to be continued.... (gone to ice the damn knee).
Joke Friday
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
All Seniors Aren't Senile
Joke Friday
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.Some years later they met again.The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'
Wacky Wednesday
(ok, let's finish the DOTW(days of the week) attempt to blog; let's see, we can do Manic monday (work tales), Haiku Tuesday, Wacky Wednesday(save/deleted drafts), Trivia(l) Thursday, Joke Friday, Photohunter Sat. and Sunday Sampler(Inspirational and Blog pick of the week.) Below a saved draft that i should delete.)
minimalist blogging:
In lieu of an explanation: I used to blog more; i blog in my head often("bloggin in my head" as my friend Mare and I laugh about.) In the summertime the living is... well not easy but busy-gardening and building projects takin up my time and my mind. So much for thinking blogging a winter sport, I'm still not blogging much. Have I lost my groove - writing those damn furniture ads?
Sunday Sampler
25 TIPS FOR A BETTER LIFE - 2009
1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'
4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, and almonds.
6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
9 Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
12. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, wi ll this matter?'
17. Forgive everyone for everything.
18. What other people think of you is none of your business.
19. GOD heals everything.
20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished
______________.
24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
25. Please Forward this to every one you care about.
(At the risk of turning my blog into a set of those "Days of the week" underwear (You know Joke Friday/Photohunt Sat.)- I am starting a new Sun. post. Since i have a file of Inspirational quotes I am going to start sharing them here. I'm also going to start a Blog pick of the week because I remember early on with this blogging thing a fellow blogger(FTS-Follow that star) did that every Sunday - he picked a "Rising Star" and he even picked me once:)
So without further ado........ (In true Oscar style....... ..my blog pick of the week is.......... ........Lorna in Wonderland - go visit!
Joke Friday
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a
few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do
everything, she opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
Joke Friday
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone would like to express
praise for prayers which had been answered. A lady stood up and came
forward.
She said, 'I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my
husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was
completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't
know if they could help him.
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move
caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of
Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say,
with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to
say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I
would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "
Slumdog millionaire
In three words: I loved it!!
I thought this movie had it all, for me anyway. It had action,romance, inspiration,suspense, And....
A Must see!!
I give it **** Stars!!
Joke Friday
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an
error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark.
"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%
of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
career."
Joke Friday
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.As I walked in almost awake she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
Women are very mean.
If I could turn back time
I would get on that train
Take away the pain
Hold your hand in mine
Dry your tears
Carry you with me
Everywhere I go
Show you the way
The way out of here
(for Suzanne)
On the boardwalk
It's all about the food!
(Found this in my drafts file, the editor wanted to delete it but i liked the memories of summer.)
Joke Friday
You know the joke about the guy who goes to the White House and tells the guard that he must see President Bush? The guard says that Bush is no longer president and doesn’t live there any longer. The next day the guy returns with the same question, and the guard gives him the same answer. This is repeated all week. Finally, after the 6th or 7th time of telling the man that Bush isn’t president and doesn’t live there any longer, the guard says to the guy, “why do you come here every day asking the same question?” The guy replies “Oh, I just love hearing the answer!”
Joke Friday
Things Got Ya' Down? Well, Then, Consider These ..
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the war d to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric ke ttle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.Are Ya OK Now?
- No? Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
God is good!
There now, Feeling Better?
Suzanne (aka Liquid)
has been on my mind since Saturday when I learned of her death. I hated just having to write that-maybe that is why it's been so hard for me to even write about her. The mind seems to travel from shock.. to disbelief .. to denial. It's just unacceptable, can't be/why?why? this remarkable woman gone. Selfishly I think I will never meet her now. I had fantasized about meeting her someday - of taking a train down South; of the train pulling up into her small sleepy town. I imagined us sharing a glass of wine or two and talking into the night; maybe even dancing around the living room. I felt we were kindred spirits. Both born under the astrological sign of Leo (both enjoyed photography and poetry and music). We seemed to have alot in common- we both had children that we adored and black labs - hers a girl, mine a boy and difficult marriages. We gave each other bloggy awards, sent email jokes/videos alot and even exchanged a couple of personal emails and phone numbers, tho we never spoke on the phone.
Today, when I was walking thru the mall, back to Sears to get my car I heard a sad song playing and I thought of Suzanne again and felt sad again ; then at the exact same time I looked up as i was passing the pet shop and saw this puppy taking a crap right in the front window and thought now that would be a good picture and thought did Suzanne arrange that to make me think of her taking that picture and posting it on her blog - to make me smile when I think of her. maybe someday in the future I will, but right now I am still sad on losing this friend, this friend that I never "actually" met but who I did. And if there is an afterlife, I want the stool next to her so we can have that cool one and finally meet and have our talk.
Suzanne, till then. I will miss you.
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