Joke Friday

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"


"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Since i'm not capable of a proper post right at the moment

In case you're in the mood for one of these mindless online quizs.

rdl took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Urgently in need of rest, relaxation, peace, and a..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Joke Friday

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box
under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30
years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th
anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and
peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.


She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew
what
was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a
box
with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special
anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my

promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the
temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do
you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am
very
disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are
addicted
to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad
considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that
money
in the box?"

Bill replied "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

Shouldn't be doing any negative Hilary jokes here as she might be my pick - her or Obama. Am i dreaming to think a woman or a black man could be president?

Site meter

I love my site meter. It is perhaps one of my favorite things about blogging. maybe it's because I had a stamp colletction when i was young - i remember loving looking and touching those stamps and imagining those places. I like seeing where people hail from but i also like to see how long they've stayed- i admit it I like attention. when i only had 2 visitors in a day - i seriously considered throwing in the towel but then i reminded myself that after all this is just writing practice/just putting pen to paper or fingers to keys, that' all.

This is one of those saved drafts from last yr. What's yr. relationship with site meter?

7 P's

Passion- creativity
Purpose - driving my son to fields: football, baseball and the basketball court
Pursuit - of happiness of course
Position - ophthalmic technician
Pummeling - patients
Progress - slow
Personality - good, i hope, funny at times.

Where do i find these things? Join in if you care.

Joke Friday

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women
Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the
University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment
with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple.
Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her
immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write
the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner
that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will
read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to
the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on
back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order
to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking
outside of the e-mails and anything you w ish to say must be
written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English
students:

Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at
home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier
times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all cost,
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she
thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo
named Lau rie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S . Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam
flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.
The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited
her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent
wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose
one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien
empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two
hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anudrian ships were on course for
Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The
lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimp eded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate
adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious
neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
"Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of
F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed
bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

(Gary)

Bitch

(Rebecca)

F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL.

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

Birthday Blues

Just the Facts:
Births: Madonna, James Taylor
Deaths: Elvis Presly, Babe Ruth

Been thinking about writing a Birthday post all day but now when I finally can sit down to write it, the ideas are all gone, fanished like the day - it's Midnite - time to turn in the shoes.

8:00 - 12:00 Work
12:15 - ultrasound appt. those 10 min while the technician went to talk to the dr. seemed like an hour - i had myself dead & buried 3 times - doing the math- lets' see Mom was 38 when she had me and i was 21 when she died, so she ws 59 and i was 16 when she got it, so she was 55 - My Age!! so is my time up, is this it? I start making deals, just let me live til Luke is out of school....
The Radiologist finally comes back in & tells me its just some cysts - end of story - i beat it out of there fast.
It's a Beautiful Day^^^^^^^^^^^^^(US playing in head).Looking at the beautiful blue sky and thanking G-d for letting me live.
2:20 My wonderful boy hands me his old IPod with 200 songs on it for me and a really nice card. We head to the beach ( my favorite place) but just for 1/2 an hr. cause he has a Football Scrimmage.
4:15 Leave for the scrimmage, get lost, but get there in time.
7:15 Game over
8:30 finally sitting in the restaurant with a glass of wine. Ahhh and delicious food.
9:45 get lost on the way home
10:30 unload diswasher and dryer/fold towels/pour another glass of wine.
11:30 talk to best friend on phone for a 1/2 hr. forget about any coherent post now.

Be still my beating heart...

The Thoughtful Blogger Award
For those who answer blog comments, emails, and make their visitors feel at home on their blogs. For the people who take others feelings into consideration before speaking out and who are kind and courteous. Also for all of those bloggers who spend so much of their time helping others bloggers design, improve, and fix their sites. This award is for those generous bloggers who think of others.

Another award - this could go to my head you guys. Feeling very underserveth (is that a word - good thing you don't have to be smart for this award) but flattered none the less. Ipanema over at Under the Canopy bestowed this on me and it does my heart good to know I fall in this category(even in just her book/blog).

Okay my turn to bestow (drum roll please~~~~~~~~~~~ The Awardees are:

Noelle
Suzanne
Jeanette
Nova Dad
Patry

Instructions: Choose 5 most thoughtful bloggers and award the same.

Edward Hopper

Went to Boston yesterday with my good friend, Mary. We went to see the Hopper exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts. It was awe-inspiring. It was almost overwhelming seeing all those wonderful, beautiful paintings all in one place. I just love artists, i guess that's why some of my best friends are artists. And moi, i'm the artiste wannabee(a dilatante - hate that word), but this is what happens when you don't decide what to be when you grow up. Poetry, photograpy and piano ( hey the 3 P's) but master of none. Woe is me- artist angst. Hopper had shades of existentialism in his work which also appeals to me. Was hard to pick a picture to post with this but i picked 7AM because i used to have a framed poster of this and for the life of me I can't remember what happened to it. Might have to get another. Lucky Steve Martin, owns a Hopper that was at the exhibit. Martin also narrated the little film clip on Hopper that they had playing.
It was great day!!

Joke Friday

NEVER ASK A SOUTHERN GRANDMOTHER

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they
aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called
his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He
approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've
known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across
the room and ask ed, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated
on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes,
I know
him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a
very
quiet v oice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she
knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."

I am methodically going through my drafts folder (all 68 and deciding which to pitch) and even tho i didn't finish this one I thought I'd post it anyway - feel free to add/link yr. 13 (cat or dog).

Thirteen things I learned from my dog:

1) He will eat Anything (including cat poop).
2) Don't leave anything out( and that includes on beds or nightstands) that might be remotely edible (including the TV remote, cordless phone,books-expensive library ones.
3) Separation anxiety in dogs is very real ( i will even eat my way out of that expensive cage you bought)
4) If you're cute enof you get to sleep on the bed.
5) He can open doors(French that is)
6) A walk a day is good for you
7) The sun feels good shining down on you on the deck
8) It's fun smelling the air, especially with your head hanging out of a car window going 50 mi. per hr.
9) catching a ball in your mouth is an art form.
10) eating is a hobby & sport.

(If you click on the pic to enlarge you can see the drool coming out of the sides of his mouth and his beautiful brown King Kong eyes.)

and yes i do know its Wednesday, i probably should've saved this one til tmrr. but then I always was the rule breaker.

Records

I just reached 2 records and felt compelled to announce them:

10,000 visitors!! ( just passed this mark this week).
and....
500 posts ( just over, but 68 of those are saved drafts) so not truly there yet.

Hard to believe, but my 2 year Anniversary went unnoticed as well, back in May.

Sweeping...

I like to sweep(good thing since i have to do it everyday- with all the black lab hair and boy dirt),but i hate to vacuum, that is i hate the vacuum. I hate getting it out, dragging it around behind me, having thinks get stuck in them, their not working, having to get them fixed, changing the bag, putting them back(that is when i do - it's usual out for weeks before i use it sometimes, i might add.

And i hate to dust. spreading all that dust around! and to what end, it'll be back in a couple of days. But I know from where this stems - my mother must've hated to dust, cause that was a chore she had me do alot.

Laundry - not bad. don't mind doing it, but don't like putting it away and folding isn't that great either.

Favorite cleaning expressions:
Round Robin: basically you just keep doing things, are never really done.

Keeping the devil from your door: doing just enough so they don't condemn the place.

As for yardwork, believe it or not i like to weed - mindless satisfying weeding. No big decisions and a sense of accomplishment almost immediately.

So what's yr. favs/hates?

Joke Friday

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he
has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the m! ost
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next
four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better
and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover
that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program." "Absolutely, " he replies, "I haven't felt this good
in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoesand a sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you, your ass is mine."

It must be a full moon...

Last nights dream was rather mundane/boring - dreamt about scrub pants colors - Blue, White & Tan and remember talking to a Doc. i work with who was telling me to get these better quality, more expensive pair - funny since he's such a tightwad - always saying Thanks, or goodbye after a shift if he sees us standing around for a minute after we've finished working up patients- if it's a few minutes before end of shift/punch out.
Hate dreamin about work on my vaca. Can't i get back to Paris? (see prev. post).

I finally applied for Passports for my son & I. While I was in the post office there was a loud noise and we looked out the window and saw a car had crashed into the building that houses the post office. 2nd time this year - another elderly person thinking she's in reverse.

Got some bad news - found out today that my niece ( my husband's brothers older girl) had a c-section today and her baby girl is ok but the tumor that they thought would be nothing is Cancer. She's only 28 and has 2 beautiful boys (2&4). This is so sad, so awful.

A friend called to tell me about the bridge collapsing in Minn. - she knows i don't regularly watch the news.

I checked the calendar and the full moon was Mon. I guess that explains some things.