HAPPY HEALTHY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9 years ago
Joke Friday
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda .
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia . How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
PRICELESS
Joke Friday
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Joke Friday
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
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Joke Friday
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat. He said,
'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, "Here, try these on.'' She did
and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly... I wear the pants in this family and I always will."
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems. "Hmmm,"
said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to
Karen, "Here, try these on...
She tried them on and said, "These are too large... They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.
She said, "Here, you try on mine."
Mike did and said, "I can't get into your panties."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't
change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
Coach
Today I waited in line for the privilege of shopping at the coach outlet store.I couldn't believe it - waiting in line to get in a store! It was my first time in one and my first time witnessing the phenomena of frenzied woman in search of the mighty grail of pocketbooks. Having never spent more than $50(maybe even $40) on a pocketbook i was perplexed by this. yes they were nice (i guess) but $200 plus for a pocketbook?? and one with "C's" all over it that lots other people have or perhaps want(as will possibly call attention to the fact that maybe this pocketbook has more money than that generic one?)
Anyway truth be known i was coveting this one tiny pocketbook,called a "wristlit" that was $60 (just 10 over the limit - if i was too succumb - but i'm much to frugal/cheap). A well-dressed/made up woman next to be had two of the same in her hand as she reached up for another red one, at which point i said, it's hard to pick, isn't it. to which she replied, "that's why you just get a multiplies of them.
I think my mouth was slightly ajar as she walked away on the arm of her coiffed husband with all 3 bags. I just wish i had said, don't you even feel a little bit guilty?
Hey but the good news is the Health Care Plan passed the Congress; now on to the Senate - keep your fingers crossed or uncrossed and dialing your senators!!
Well the pocketbook lady may only be able to get 2 next time, i feel so sorry for her already. sic.
Joke Friday
A few good Senior Moments
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..
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An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Joke Friday
Little Johnny Tells A Story About Aunt Karen...
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Little Johnny was left.
'Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory,
and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and her parachute landed
her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.
'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.
This is why i don't like to watch/read the news...
This has had me upset since last week when i read it on the front page of the paper Sunday morning. I just hate the fact that we have home-grown terrorists to worry about too.
Secret Service under strain as leaders face more threats - The Boston Globe
Posted using ShareThis
Joke Friday
And that's how the fight got started-------------------
One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight got started.--------------------------------
My wife walked into the den and asked, "What's on the TV?" I replied, "Dust."
And that's how the fight got started.--------------------------------
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what shesaw and said, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.I replied, 'Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight got started.--------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight got started.--------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she replied. "How about the kitchen?" I suggested.
And that's how the fight got started.--------------------------------
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. So I said, "Is that your final answer?" Without even looking at me, she said, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's how the fight got started.-------------------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look a lot better than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight got started.--------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, rare, please," I told him. He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?" "Nah," I said, "she can order for herself."
And that's how the fight got started.
Sunday Sampler
This is something we should all read at least once a week.
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time the time it needs.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved..
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Joke Friday
these kids think on their feet!!!!!!!!!!
Kids Are Quick
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
PASS IT AROUND
AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!
Joke Friday
Bitches 'til the End
Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friend s were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
Joke Friday
A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Italian.' The intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, 'Don't Miss The Amazing Italian'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. 'You're incredible' he told the Italian, 'but I have to know something I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts ?'
'Well,' said the Italian, 'my eyes aren't what they used to be'
Joke Friday
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and
all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business..
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of the ages... With an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iraq & Iran , ruled by nuts..
Joke Friday
Would you remarry?
Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question
WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'
HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'
WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'
WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house.'
WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'
WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'
WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND: 'No. I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'
HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'
WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?'
HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'
WIFE: - silence -
HUSBAND: ' . . . Sh * t.'
Joke Friday
Did you know that Eagles mate for life?
Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is . 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!' Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........ 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was..... (scroll down)
NO, The duck didn't say THAT ... Don't be SO disgusting!
The duck said.... 'I am aDRAKE,You made a MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!
The worst person in the world is....
Rep. Joe Wilson- when he yelled out "you lie" when Obama was obviously telling the truth that illegal aliens would Not be covered in this plan. What was he thinking, or not thinking - the dumb ass. Unbelievable! I couldn't believe it - 1st time ever that a president was demeaned like that. but then he is the first black president, so why am I surprised by the knee jerk reaction(racist) such as was displayed by the rep. of S.C.
And as always, Obama kept his cool and continued on with his speech and an exceptionally good one i might add; tho i thought there were a couple of remarks that could have been edited out that left him open for ridicule - like when he said it needed some work and there were the ensuing snickers. But all in all I think he defended this bill and the need for this bill very well. Especially when he brought up "moral principles" and the character of our country. well i'll let you watch it yourselves, if you missed it.
What I found interesting as he spoke was watching who stood up and who didn't, those applauding and those who frowned or had forced mocking smiles. And especially hard was watching Vicki Kennedy holding back tears as Obama spoke of Ted Kennedy.
Now go call your Congressmen, what are you waiting for - we need health care reform and we need it Now!
And for Much better coverage of all this go over to Keith Olbermanns Countdown.
Keith you're my hero.
A favorite quote
"Strength just comes in one brand. You stand up at sunrise and meet what they send you and keep your hair combed."
From Kate Vaiden by Reynolds Price
Joke Friday
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my a$$."
Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more a$$ this month, I'm going to lose my car."
Public Service Announcement
Not to look like i'm trolling for readers but still not sure if anyone knows when i update PD (Private Dancer). So, here i am trolling.
This is a test, this is only a test.
Shout out
A great big shout out and Thank you to Amias of Magic of Integrated Circuits and Acrostics Only. The beautiful new site(s)/blogs are all her work. She did all of them- this main one and my poetry sites and my brand new one ( Private Dancer - which as the name indicates is private and by invite, so just email me(i've added contact me in my profile) your email address and i'll add you. ) An explanation as to why the need for this private site is provided there and here.
Oh, and unfortunately in the process my blogroll disappeared. I've been slowly adding to it the best i can , so if you're not there, please leave a link in comments so i can add you back.
Transfixed
I've been watching all day. I turned it on as soon as i woke, got up and hurried to make coffee. I watched the ceremony and was moved to tears by Teddy Jr's. eloquent speech and by Patrick's too- wearing his heart on his sleeve. And President Obama's speech was wonderful of course, as well. But I especially loved whe the grandkids got up to speak (quoting him) and continuing his cause for healthcare reform.
I did not know that the funeral would be televised too. And here i sit again.
So, so very sad. an end of an era.
It was almost hard listening to his letter to the pope as the sky grew dark with just the occasional lightening flash lighting up the sky - as if orchestrated. It was so dark all you could see were shadowy figures. And at the end when the grandchildren went to the casket to say they're goodbyes, someone had set up lights. I would have preferred for it to just end in the dark they way it was; it seemed unnecessary to illuminate those final moments.
Joke Friday
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;' And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks? 'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,
'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'
Edward Kennedy
I found it sad today when i saw that
Ted Kennedy had died. Hopefully this will not be bad news for the upcoming Health Care Reform vote. I'm hoping that Gov. Duval will be able to appoint an interim Democrat at this most crucial time in history and that with a little bit of luck and maybe even a miracle we can get this thing done.
we've got a little problem...
So, I've been avoiding this, not wanting to think about it, but last week I decided to glance at site meter (something that i used to do quite regularly - when i was obsessed with how many and who came here; then i guess i lost interest, didn't care, knew my small following and was satisfied/happy with them- you!
So there i was perusing who'd been on my site when i notice - someone from my town on for 78 mins. !! and it dawned on me, i'm blocked (my computer up here in den/computer room) - it must be my son - on the laptop downstairs! OMG!! what has he read that he shouldn't have?? my tasteless jokes? my rants and raves, my secrets!
so the next day i calmly called him in here and asked him, "so how did you like my blog?"
He knew he was caught and asked how i knew. I explained bout the sitemeter thing. Then i told him that it was like reading my diary. he said, i let you read my facebook. and i said, yea onece and then you blocked me.
i told him it was an invasion of privacy and i told him not to do it anymore.
So am i to believe that he won't? out of respect? out of knowing he'll get caught? or will he figure out a way around it?
and what do i do now? start one of those private, have to sign in blogs? be careful about what i post? which seems to defeat the purpose.
so what do i do??
Joke Friday
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
Joke Friday
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
Joke Friday
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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