Joke Friday

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE
INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN
FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?" "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.""I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS." HE SAYS, "DOESIT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK
SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OFHOURS.............
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUTHOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE
HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED."HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE
YOUNG MAN ASKED ME, "WHAT WAS WRONG?" I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL
THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

S' words

I got this idea over at Simply Wait.
I once wrote a whole list of "S" words, (yes the obvious ones of course I'm sure - sexy, sensual, seductive I was in my 30's then,ok.),sumptuous, salsa , Spanish, salt,sea, sweets,Satindoll,silk,sheets,scent,snow,swim,slip,
sand,shell,spaghetti,sauce,supper,steambath, sauna,stoned,spliff,savor,satiated,sound,saxophone,
Sting,smitten,smile,Springsteen,somnabalist,soporific,sad,slippers,sun,
stars,sunrise,sunset,suntan,sanddune,sad,scantily,scent,soup,shrimp,
scallops,sundae,strawberries,swear,seashore,Starwars,strength,soft,
spirit,sail,soar,soul,son,song,
secret,sister, soul,story,save,seeking,spiritual.

and then there was:
Sam - our 11 yr. golden retriever who died 2 yrs. ago and who we still refer to as the best dog on earth.
Steppenwolf and Siddhartha - by Herman Hesse -read in college
Silver - my preferred color in jewelry
Simon & Garfunkle Sounds of silence ( an old favorite)

You are not going to believe this, but I found that list in an old notebook/journal from the early 90's:
S'words: silence, solace,secret, seductive, sedate, sexy, sumptuous, sweet, scent, special, serious, sober, somber, sentimental, silly, silvery, surprise, serendipitously, sorid, sad, stupor, severe, sacred, steamy, scintillating, sarcastic, supercilious, somnolent, sacrifice, safari, slippery, stunning, scantily, superstitious, scrutiny, support, shave, savory, sustenance, summer, sorrow, suppose, suculent, slumber, swim, supper, super, stupendous, saciate, sinfully, suddenly, surmise, strength, sail, safe, sage, salubrious, saint, sane, sound, satisfy, sauna, saunter, save, savoirfare, sparkle, shine,sea, sun summer, sacrosanct, savor, silky, sight, sound, salsa, sleep solve, salve, stop.
Well, i was going to do more with this but my head is spinning so i suggest stopping and moving to Simply wait where the much more motivational"M" migrated.

Monday, Monday

Ok, who's old enof out there to remember that song? and who wrote it? No fair googling either, tho i might have to resort to that to see if my memory serves me correctly. I can hear the melody playing in my head and even remember some of the lyrics. Let's see, it was the Mamas and the Papas(this album cover really brings me back - i remember having it (guess its with the rest of my collection - somewhere in the twilight zone room with all of my other stuff - you know the bong and.... Remember beautiful Michelle Phillips? and Mama Cass and the Phillips dude, father of the gal on that 80's sitcom with the janitor; so what was the name of the other guy?(?Papa Cass?). As you can see, as we like to say in my family, "you've got a good memory, but it's short". Feel free to fill in any of the blanks.

Where am I ?

Woke up before the alarm this morning; had it set for 6:20 - giving us 30 min. to get ready. The weather looked suspect so i did what I always do first thing in the morning (after brushing my teeth) - yup went online. checked my email - nope no one had written me since i checked it last, before i went to bed at 11. The reason for the alarm and early rising on a Sunday morning was because my 12 yr. old son was starting his first job! - caddying at a golf club here in town. He's only going to do it once a week on the wkend and he gets to use/play at the club on Mondays. The weather was iffy but it wasn't raining so we got ready to go; after much grousing by my son when i woke him up so late - "mom, we only have 20 min. to get there!". He is much more consciountious about time, rules, etc. than his mother. So as we are heading out the door, I see that it has started raining and say, "I'm going to call and see if it's cancelled" - the email had said rain or shine. He wanted me to call from the road, but I told him to "stop telling me what to do" - a frequent chant of mine. And it was indeed called off. So he headed up back to bed, while I had some cereal and read the paper, but since i hadn't made coffee and was tired i headed upstair to lay down, but by then my son had gotten up and came into the den to watch TV so I decided to go sleep in his bed(since mine was already occupied). And I actually fell back to sleep and was awakened later by the phone. When I opened my eyes I was looking at a blank white wall,inches from my face, and it took me a moment to realize where i was. His bed is up against a wall and evidently I had fallen asleep facing the wall so that when I awoke and just saw blank white, for an instant I had no idea where I was. When I awake in my room I either see the windows or my closet doors. I called my friend back and told her what had happened- got a chuckle out of it anyway.

Joke Friday

MENTAL HOSPITAL AUTOMATED PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling the State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
it won't make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 119.
If you are bipolar, leave a message before the beep or after the beep or before the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have Short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy too talk too just you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, Turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
Kate Lehman Landishaw
What is madness but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance?
-Theodore Roethke, poet (1908-1963)

dreams

Weird dreams lately and remembering them because i wake up so often.

Last nite dreamt about Dad that he was still alive and kickin - very much so-no walker and he had a new lady friend (number 4 - he was married 3 times). But the rational side of me couldn't understand how he was still alive- after all I had spread his ashes at the Grist Mill in Plymouth that runs out to the Bay/Ocean. (I passed this on a walk yesterday while waiting for my son to get out of sunday school - guess that's where this one came from). The dream was Sci-fi like - mirror planets and such.

I dreamt last week that i was yelling for L.(my son) not to cross the street beacuse a car was coming at him. He was ok; but the driver got out to yell at L., tho it was clearly his fault (because you know how you can see everything in dreams), - i had figured out that he had stepped on the gas instead of the break when he saw him and he was about to yell/blame L. when mama hen read him the riot act. I think i know where this one comes from - my biggest fear - that i will lose him.

So it seems that my dreams are my unfinished business with Dad( and others) and my fears(mostly regarding my son)
What do you dream about?

quotes

Don't know where i found this, but i like it alot.
Evidently I saw it over at Tom's blog, that sadly he's leaving for a time, hopefully he'll be back someday soon.


**There will always be someone richer and poorer than you. That much is certain. So just accept where you are, with the hope that God's will leads you to what you will need.**Life never stays constant. Always, it will change. You will never be disappointed.**However, love can be the only constant. Through it all, love stays. Through good and bad, true love stays.**Having faith doesn't mean that things will not go wrong, and you will not sometimes fall down.But having faith gives you the strength to get up. Again. And again.**What is essential is invisible to the eye. Still, keep looking for that essence.**When things go well, enjoy them. Don't worry that it can't last. Truly, it can't. So don't spoil it by worry. When things go poorly, endure them. Don't worry that it will never end. Truly, it will. Time has proven that all things come to pass. Good and Evil.**When you think you can't, then don't think. Just do. Reason cannot answer every ill. Go to God, who is above reason, and gives answers to your heart.

Goethe

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no person could have dreamed would have come his or her way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." ~ Goethe

But...

"To think is easy. To act is hard. [And] ...the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking." ~ Goethe

But...

"Doubt can only be removed by action." ~ Goethe

Joke Friday

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital . . . .

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . . "

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!"

Horrible patient

If there was ever a horrible patient award, the patient that I had today would get it. In all the years that I have been doing this I do believe that he "takes the cake" or the award. Joan, who is one of the nicest people that I know and who works the front desk came over to us techs, who were standing around yacking, and asked who has Mr.L's chart? at which I looked down at the one in my hand that I was filling out and saw that I did. "Well, good luck", she said "he just came over to the desk and asked " so What's going on?" and he's only been here 10 min. So I called him in and he was nasty from the moment he sat in the chair to the moment he walked back up to the desk to complain about me, but i had already complained about him to the Dr. who know exactly who he was and rolled his eyes. Later I was told by the Dr's assistant that when 'sthe guy started in about not liking that technician, Dr. S just cut him off with, "well you never like any of them". Nice to see that the customer is not always right, especially when they are rude and obnoxious. Days like this that data entry or one of those little cubicles are looking pretty good.

*Note, hey when i went in to edits to find this old draft i realized what it was about the number 300 and posts. The display is of 50 post and you can change it to previous 100 or 300. Then what?? plus anyone know how come on a Mac i can't change the font??or edit html or compose?? Get my PC back tmrrw.!!

Anniversary

Seems my blogging anniversary passed unnoticed even by me. April 30, 2005- the day I ventured into the land of blogs - at first just to comment on my friends blog, then my first post about going home. Now my almost daily writing practice and when the muse doesn't come I go cruising. The blogosphere - a community of blogger friends and like minded individuals- for the most part. Sometimes its tedious - like homework; other times its a refuge, retreat. I guess i'll stick around for another year - i hope.

Hey I just looked and saw that this is my 278th post, i thought i remember something about 300 - when you hit 300 are you cut off? get the hook? Is that a magic number? at the stroke of 300 does your computer turn back into a pumpkin??

Joke Friday

An elderly couple goes into McDonalds and orders 1 burger and an order ofFrench fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger andcarefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife.He then carefully counts out the French fries, dividing them into two piles andneatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink;his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bitesof hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering. You could tell they werethinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table.He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man says they are justfine -- they are used to sharing every thing. The surrounding people notice the littleold lady hasn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally takes turns sipping the drink. Again the young man comes over and begs them to lethim buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finishes and is wiping his face neatly with thenapkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who has yet to eat a single biteof food and asks "What is it you are waiting for?" She answers....
(This is great)
"THE TEETH."

Computer hell

Well I'm posting from hell, cause i'm still here i'm afraid. It's been a terrible couple of days and even tho i sit here typing - who know for how long. well just to update you, they replaced my hard drive and took pity on me and only charged me $130 instead of $250 like last yr. But when i brought the computer home, my troubles just began. couldn't get my email or get online. call in to the cable company and they say no problem here must be your modem, so i ran down to the cable co. with 15 min.to spare.Then when i was happily opening mail and cruisin, my screen went gray with the message "out of range" - what the hell does that mean?? more phone calls and unplugs later i give up and go to bed. (Did i mention i can't get the laptop on either?) Trip # 3 to the computer store, just to be told - it works fine here, must be somthing at yr. house - yea that damn polergeist is at it again. Then today i replace the surge protector, hoping but not believeing that that is it as the techie says it might be, or yet another part in the computer. i'm given the option of giving the hard drive back, losing all my data and starting over with a new computer. I say i'll take it home and give it another try. get everything plugged in again and open my email, just to discover there is a virus that can't be fixed or quaranteened. then it does the out of range/shut down thing. next i try getting on my blog - no can do. i finally get on via my friends blog - where i stop to leave a message - no can do -just like the other nite- i'm cast out - so what the f? am i doomed/cursed. did this all start on 6/6/06????

!!##%%@?#?7&^?!#*!!!

Swearing up a storm here. I am not a happy camper. I am writing this from my laptop that I am still not liking; it's not just the small keyboard and the silly wheel in lieu of mouse, but i miss my den and my dead PC. It died or crashed or whatever it is the damn things do this afternoon. Seems like the hard drive again, if my memory serves me correctly - this is what happened last year and $250 later. I also don't like the screen on this thing. Grrrrr. And did i mention that it is a Mac - which is supposed to be a good thing, but i never did learn how to use it really and it seems damn slow to me. wah wah. And i don't even want to think about all my photos, files, writing, and my address book!!!! do you think i have those email addresses written down anywhere?? Well i'm in a bloody foul mood now. And i have only just begun to descend into computer hell. Obviously it won't pay to fix the damn thing again and i don't think it is in the budget to buy a new computer. The boy is getting braces end of the month and we're actually supposed to be buying my step-daugher a laptop for HS graduation next week. Oh and did i mention I'm shopping for a new car? And that I'm supposed to be studying for the Real Estate test. As my friend Mary, likes to say to me, "it's a good thing that house doesns't have a garage."

Side Window

Remember the movie, Rear Window with Grace Kelly and Jimmy Stewart?

In my "computer room"/ den/guest bedroom (smallest and favorite room in the house it seems) there is a window to my right and occassionally i look out it at the green and the trees. I can see my neighbors house and since we put in a new window last year and i have yet to get around to painting it, there is no window treatment on it(window treatments - subject of a future post). occasionally i have wondered can they see me sitting here? do they think i am writing the next great american novel or that i am just another whacked out internet junkie(unfortunately, we all know the answer to that). So today when I glanced out the window I just now noticed that the trees and brush had filled in so that i can no longer see their house at all. Nature is a wonderful thing.

Joke Friday

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first
graders using a bowl of
lifesavers.
The children began to say:

"Red.........................cherry,"

"Yellow...................lemon,"
!
"Green......................"lime"

"Orange.....................orange,"

Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," the teacher said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's
what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver
out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"

Why does it always come down to this?

(this). It does always seem to come back to this damn awful feeling, time and time again. Wish I could just shake it but it seems to win every time. Are some of us just predisposed to this? Or is it not just genetic or hormonal or psychological mumbo-jumbo, but because of real life situations beyond our control? ... you are now entering the twilight zone.