Photohunter

Joke Friday

Mad Wife Disease......

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura
Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,"
He explained

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied......."Your horse called."

Photohunter

This weeks theme: three

Joke Friday

This explains why I forward jokes.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. 'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book..

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still cared for, guess what you get?...............A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, from me, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile..

You are all welcome at my water bowl anytime

Photohunter

This weeks theme: foreign

Joke Friday

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

---

Sunday Sampler

From the Happiness Blog

I like them all but especially #'s 4,5,6,7, & 11; but not #12!

Nineteen Tips for Cheering Yourself Up -- from 200 Years Ago.

I've posted this list before, but I love it, so am supplying it again. I read it in a biography of the English writer Sydney Smith, in Hesketh Pearson’s The Smith of Smiths. In 1820, Smith wrote a letter to an unhappy friend, Lady Morpeth, in which he offered her tips for cheering up.

I have my own variety of tips lists for cheering up, and I was interested to hear what someone from two centuries ago would recommend. Most of Smith's suggestions are as sound now as they were almost 200 years ago -- "attend to the effects tea and coffee produce upon you" for example, is thoroughly modern. A few, though, are amusingly odd. It might be tougher today to work "good blazing fires" into everyday life.

My favorites are #1, 3, 6, 13, 15, 16, and 17.

“1st. Live as well as you dare.
2nd. Go into the shower-bath with a small quantity of water at a temperature low enough to give you a slight sensation of cold, 75 or 80 degrees.
3rd. Amusing books.
4th. Short views of human life—not further than dinner or tea.
5th. Be as busy as you can.
6th. See as much as you can of those friends who respect and like you.
7th. And of those acquaintances who amuse you.
8th. Make no secret of low spirits to your friends, but talk of them freely—they are always worse for dignified concealment.
9th. Attend to the effects tea and coffee produce upon you.
10th. Compare your lot with that of other people.
11th. Don’t expect too much from human life—a sorry business at the best.
12th. Avoid poetry, dramatic representations (except comedy), music, serious novels, melancholy, sentimental people, and everything likely to excite feeling or emotion, not ending in active benevolence.
13th. Do good, and endeavour to please everybody of every degree.
14th Be as much as you can in the open air without fatigue.
15th. Make the room where you commonly sit gay and pleasant.
16th. Struggle by little and little against idleness.
17th. Don’t be too severe upon yourself, or underrate yourself, but do yourself justice.
18th. Keep good blazing fires.
19th. Be firm and constant in the exercise of rational religion.
20th. Believe me, dear Lady Georgiana.”

What rings true for you?

Photohunter

This weeks theme: Daily

Dreams

Dreamt about that old brown Rambler, that I still have it - a reoccurring dream. What does it mean? Vestige of my past that I'm trying to hold on to? reclaim? reinvent myself again?

I bought that brown Rambler on the Vineyard - another one of my $500 specials. Had a lot of those. My first car was a Red Rambler - push button convertible that my uncle, who had a gas station in the Bronx, got for me. I thought i was very cool at college with that car. But back to the brown rambler - when i moved to the Boston area it was a liability - i was forever getting tickets til i finally got the boot - a huge metal contraption so you couldn't drive off til they eventually towed it away and impounded it. I remember I paid more than i paid for the car to get it out. I wanted them to just keep the car but they told me I'd still owe the money. Then when i moved in town and i didn't use the car much, cept on wkends to get out of town, i would invariably lose it. I literally would forget where i parked it after a week and have to go look for it. So I sometimes have this dream that i still have the car and i'm looking for it.

Did a search of "dreams" on my blog.

What strange/reoccurring dreams do you have??

Joke Friday

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. 

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, 

but how old do you think I am 

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same

question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the 

street.She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the 

clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30...'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man 

waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 

and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there

was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the

best of her..

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,

'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says. 

'I was behind you at McDonalds.' 

Photohunter

This weeks theme: cuddly

My old (deceased) cat, Dakota. He may look cuddly but he was a force to be reckoned with.

Joke Friday

"THE MAN OF THE HOUSE"

A husband stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so
I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my
robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director, would be my first guess!"

Photohunter take 2

This weeks theme: broken

Just remembered this photo of my sweet puppy, Jackson, now almost 6.

Photohunter

This weeks theme: broken

Joke Friday

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I've outlived the bitches.'

Photohunter

This weeks theme: spotted

Joke Friday

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Oz
proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house
to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving
the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a
bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of
chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner
peace.

Love/Hate

It's a love/hate relationship. I love my new IMac but i hate it too. I'm not comfortable - kind of like a new boyfriend. It's exciting but i miss all the old places i went with the old boyfriend.

But really, i feel like i don't know what the hell i'm doing - it's frustrating! and i'm not sure where anything is, how to do anything; not to mention what i've probably lost!!

On a positive note- i'm damn glad i'm at the end of the exhaustive search process. When the computer crashed and burned(got a virus/couldn't go online) on Jan. 15th. i spent the next wk. researching and shopping at Best Buy (i'm on a first name basis with some of those guys), Office Max (poor guy, i said i'd be back) and well at the Apple store i burned thru 3 guys there and had a mini meltdown the day i went to buy it. When i finally went to buy it - more decisions: IWork or Office, then whether to buy the "One to One ($100) for "private lessons" basically. I told the 1st guy that i probably never would use it, damn i've never joined a gym cause i know i'd never go. it's all i can do to get to work, keep my house from being condemned, drive my kid all over, etc. you get my drift, can't even do what i'm supposed to. well the 1st guy told me if my computer couldn't go online, they probably couldn't get my info. then when i went to buy it , the next guy told me well maybe they could and if they couldn't then they could get my info off the external hard drive. well at checkout someone overheard this conversation and said not they couldn't (after i bought the "one to one" mind you.)

oh i skipped the part when i had to decide between IWorks(pages) and Office (Word); after being told Works for $50 was all u needed vs. Office for $150; tho no one could really show me or offer any answers to my questions.

So, i get home that nite and proceed to go on my old computer, determined to save everything to the external hard drive and transfer it myself.

Well, lo & behold i started rooting around in Task Mgr. help menu and found all this info on Diagnostics and Restoring your computer from an earlier date and there was that dog with the waggin tail and Dr. ?? anyway where was all this stuff when i was trying to reboot. To make a very long story slightly shorter, i managed to restore, the desktop icons and the Start menu was back. I was very proud of myself and at 3AM went to bed.

So i decided the next morning (SA)to take the old computer and the new & have them do the transfer. I was tired of the whole thing and since i already purchased it.

So Sun. i grab a coffee and arrive back at the Apple Store (5th day in a row) to "Meet my new Mac". At the end of the presentation when i go to find my files is when i discover that my "writing" files have not been moved, but my sons- some of his 5th grade homework!!

ok i tell the guys, no big deal , i have it saved on the external drive at home. So i get home and my son & I set up and then transfer, well the external drive gets unplugged, knocked over in the middle, tho luckily I do transfer a "writing" file, before discovering that that drive is evidently dead too.

Did i tell u about how i almost cried? at the story when i was buying it, my eyes welled up, i asked for water, i couldn't take anymore?

Anyway next day off i'm setting up the old computer and i'm going to find those old files, damn it! and someday i'm going to love this new computer.

Similar posts: Computer Hell, *@#&$^($!!

Disappointed

that Martha Coakley did not win tonite! disappointed that that "Sarah Palin in jockey shorts" took over the late Sen. Ted Kennedy's renowned seat. Hard to believe!! Now there really is no reason to live here. The great state of Massachusetts has gone Red!!! Hard to believe!!

GIVE

HAITI Emergency Relief Needed:

Please help/open your hearts/open your pockets.
This are just 3 that i saw listed on TV this moring. I did the first 2. If anyone knows of any others, please feel free to leave in comments.
Thanks!

The Redcross
Save the Children
Worldvision