I entered a tomato growing contest online this year at The Examing room of Dr.Charles. I should go back and read the catagories; I'm hoping there is a booby prize for the tomato plant that produces no tomatoes(take a close look at that plant-a supposed Beefsteak - not one tomato!!) . Tho I think I have a contender for the most sensuous here:
Subject: Cowboy in a Gay bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay
bar. What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, " What's the name of
your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the
name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It Really Satisfies.' " The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is
Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to
him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
WOMAN!!!
Why is it that there are just 24 hrs. in a day and 48 hrs. worth of stuff to do?? so what do you do?? Try (in vain) to get it all done and make yourself a crazy person? or go put your feet up in front of the telly?? I alternate between attempting frantically to do it all and putting my head in the sand ostrich style; or what i've found(this summer/vaca)that i really like is running away from it all. Coming back is a bitch tho.
I know I've written about this before. But i just wonder do you do this too?? Too pooped to post.
First it was the heat- too hot to post, then it was Dakota's death, then it was vacation - being on the road. Now it's damn work and my husband's broken shoulder(another post) and football practice 4 times a week. Ok I'll stop whining now.
But the muse is still on vacation and the critic has taken up residence it seems. Maybe I should just work on all those saved drafts - but then they always seem so stale-old news, forced. I told you the critic was reigning his ugly head again.
Yes,I'd much rather be becalmed: 1)To render motionless for lack of wind. 2)To make calm or still; soothe.
1990-2006
AKA - Dakota cat,coda,code,codie,best cat ever. Goodbye good friend.
As my son, Luke, said - he was your baby.
Blogger is not cooperating with my trying to post a picture. I actually wish i had a scanner so i could post his baby pic and some other memorable ones.
We're having a heatwave, a tropical heatwave. Now who did that song?? Only in the 90's today; tomorrow's supposed to hit a 100! Leaving on vaca again on Thursday for the Jersey shore; had a dream about the rooming house we stayed in when i was a kid - thinking maybe of stopping in on the way to my cousin's place. Posting has seemed to have taken a vacation also as the room with the computer has no AC and the muse seems to be on vacation too. I know excuses, excuses. Lazy Leo reigns supreme.
Left on vacation last Sun. July 23rd; got back yesterday but between the 
lightening striking and some other teenage catastrophies(everythings ok) well .... i've .... 
gone fishing!
Subject: Life Saving Matter
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
If you do not know, see answer below.
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
Why is it that i can't stay on an even keel? just my nature or just the way the cookie crumbles. Sometimes I am in a controlled mode-I can do this - get the house cleaned, bills paid on time, papers organized, calls made, appointments kept, etc. etc. You can even find me up at midnight sweeping the floors and paying bills. And other times I'm in the overwhelmed mode - stickin head in sand, as far down as it can go - I can't possible do all of this (sh-t!), so I won't do any of it - just get in the car and go- escape.
I guess maybe I need:.... Yoga (to learn how to relax) and time management ( to learn when to) and some good organizational skills. Did they teach any of this in school? or was I staring out the window when they did?
Too hot to post. Is that a lame excuse? We don't have central AC - the bedrooms have window ones as do the kitchen/din. rm and the sunroom. And here i sit with the fan in the den - need i say more? goin downstairs to have watermelon or maybe an ice pop or maybe another cold beer. What are you all doin to escape the heat?
mmmmmm, my mouth is watering like my dog, Jackson's, does. Let's see i've already told you about the french fries in the paper bag; on to Italian ices: lemon, rasberry, chocolate, orange - a regular treat; they came in these white pleated cups that were quite soggy by the time you were finished.
Then for ice cream, my flavors of choice were : vanilla fudge(which is hard to find these days), mint chocolate chip (still one of my favorites and then a real treat a double cone with one scoop of vanilla and one scoop of orange sherbet - like a creamsicle; oh yea and blackberry with chocolate sprinkles or if you were really lucky a banana split. Sometimes for a special treat at night we would walk up to this place across from the boardwalk that served waffles with ice cream on them - carbs and sugar - joy.
Ocassionally we went to Asbury park ( yes of Bruce Sprinsteen fame) where the amusements were. There you could get candied apples - a macintosh apple on a stick covered with this hard red substance - the sweet and sour flavor was wonderful. Another favorite to be found there was cotton candy - how could anyone resist that pink confection?
I'm ready to get in the car and drive down there right now.
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "Yes, I am. I married to the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Just think if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive
him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death "
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find
it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he
taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of
rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus so shut the hell up."
But I did have a porch! I completely forgot here what i was going to write about. My original idea was to write about my childhood porch. Yes I know i said that I didn't have one, just a stoop, but there was the summer porch. No not as in our "summer home" we were not wealthy,we were middle class - probably lower middle, tho i didn't realize it at the time. Every summer ( well alot of them) we went to the Jersey shore - to Bradley Beach to be specific; tho in my teenage years that changed to Belmar, but that's another post. So every summer we would pack up to go stay at Ida's boarding house - i think it might have had a name - i don't remember; but i do remember Ida - she was an imposing buxom woman- you didn't mess with her. I actually avoided her at all cost. It wasn't as bad as i'm portraying,I was just a shy child.
I remember it was a really big porch with lots of chairs and this one glider - that I got my finger stuck in once! I can remember how nice it was to sit on that porch, right after showering after the beach, or early in the morning before everyone was up. You could feel the breeze,smell the salt water and have the warmth of the sun on you. I can also remember walking up to the corner and getting a bag of fries - they served them in a small paper bag and you just added salt and ketchup, to your liking, and shook the bag to mix it up and then just kept reaching in for another as you walked back to the house or on the boardwalk. If you had enof change you'd buy a coke or root beer or an Italian ice. I think boardwalk food can be another post. But I'm digressing.
What I really remember is the nites on the porch. I remember this heavyset jovial fellow,( I wish I could remember his name) ,who would tell stories, jokes, sing songs; it was just so much fun. I don't know if I can recall another time like that in my life - the comadarie, the laughter, the smell of the salt air - it all made you feel like part of something,something bigger, like you belonged right there on that porch.
Ok I admit, maybe i'm jaded but really - weddings are just like a formula and when you've worked them, well they are so boring. It makes me feel like how could anyone possible want to have one? they are so cliche, but then after all the stupid stuff: intros,toasts, dance, cake...well then when they get down to partying, that's another story. I love the dancing, the Hot,hot, hot and the "Down by the river...down by the banks of the River Charles..dah dah dah da da da da da..Boston, you're my town" ( i guess you have to be from around here to appreciate that).well, i'm going to bed; Sweet dreams!!
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee
When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours
in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of
coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar.He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the
jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty
space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends
and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house
and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand
into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the
golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are
important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your
spouse
out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the
house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the
things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID
I love contests. This is my 3rd online i think. I've won a literary magazine that's all; but it's fun nonetheless. This one is the Tomato contest sponsered by Dr. Charles. I am delinquent in posting my contestants, so here they are - all 5 of them! Since they kind of blend in with the background vegetation here are some more pics of the lovelies.
a close-up of the grape tomato - the only one with blooms 
and tomatoes!! The other 4 are Beefsteaks (my favorite being from NJ) and it will be a miracle if they have tomatoes by Oct. with the weather that we have been having.
This post was prompted by Patry's post over at Simply Wait about Front porches; it got me thinking about my childhood home sans porch. I've always liked stoops tho. That's what we called the steps in front of our house when you were sitting on them - sitting on the front stoop, not steps. It has a better ring to it - like they are special. We would sit there when we were bored - nothing to do on a hot summer day or after a long bike ride or the favorite - when waiting for the ice cream truck.
It's funny this house has a deck in the back which the recluse in me likes - privacy- can only see my plants and animals(wild birds, my dog and cat, occasional deer and rabbit) and my kid. The previous house had a patio out back - same situation and it suited me just fine, cause my neighbors were crazy. But when family came to visit - where did we take the picture? - yup out front on the stoop - which was brick but didn't really qualify as we never hung out there; they really were front steps.
Our first house also had a deck, that we enjoyed but which wasn't private at all. I can remember hearing my new neighbor, directly behind me, ordering pizza and telling someone of his wild escapades of the night before. This was the house that put my friend (my other neighbor behind me to the side) into a tizzy/ and tree planting phase. The once empty lot behind us that we thought was not buildable was my friends new neighbor also. We spent alot of time bemoaning the fact, commisserating and planting trees. I had already put up a fence but then added a piece of lattice (covered by wisteria) to help until the tree grew. I guess i do like my privacy more than intimacy with the neighbors. However, Mary and I did wish that we had made a secret opening panel in the fence so we could get to each others places when we wanted to visit or to feed each other's cats when away. But the walk around the block didn't hurt. This same house did have a wood landing and steps in the front. I remember when friends of ours ,with their 4 kids, visited and I took a picture of all the kids on the "stoop". Here once again, we never hung out here, tho our old dog Sam did (but then he was a Golden Retriever and very much a front porch kinda guy). I think to really qualify as a stoop it has to be cement or brick or maybe it has to be NJ. Who knows?
Double "D" dare ya; prompted by Cate and because Patry thought that was my letter - hope it's not because i'm depressed (duh-ah - as only the kids know how to say - in as "ya think?"(with just the right touch of sarcasm.) deranged,delusional,disillusioned,disappointed,depraved, deprived, dumbshit, dope, disgust, despair, doubt,dissuade,disabled, dread, dish, damn, drat, drag, drained,diet, dumbfounded,
display, discern, devote,diary, drive, delirious, dance, delight
dilettante - I hate this word because I'm afraid they could put my picture along side in the dictionary. Music(piano), photography, writing- just pick one and DO it or do all 3 just
Decide- one of my biggest problems - Indecision- a friend once dubbed me Indecision Incarnate.
Doom & gloom - another friend dubbed me this. - it's a wonder I have any friends at all.
Divorce - the D word that came out about a year ago and which I dwell on a daily basis unfortunately. It really is one of those words that once it is out - look out.
Dilemma- a state I am in.
I think this should be a new meme, come on I double dare ya, pick your letter, start your engines and report back!
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE
INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN
FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?" "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.""I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS." HE SAYS, "DOESIT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK
SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OFHOURS.............
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUTHOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE
HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED."HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE
YOUNG MAN ASKED ME, "WHAT WAS WRONG?" I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL
THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
I got this idea over at Simply Wait.
I once wrote a whole list of "S" words, (yes the obvious ones of course I'm sure - sexy, sensual, seductive I was in my 30's then,ok.),sumptuous, salsa , Spanish, salt,sea, sweets,Satindoll,silk,sheets,scent,snow,swim,slip,
sand,shell,spaghetti,sauce,supper,steambath, sauna,stoned,spliff,savor,satiated,sound,saxophone,
Sting,smitten,smile,Springsteen,somnabalist,soporific,sad,slippers,sun,
stars,sunrise,sunset,suntan,sanddune,sad,scantily,scent,soup,shrimp,
scallops,sundae,strawberries,swear,seashore,Starwars,strength,soft,
spirit,sail,soar,soul,son,song,
secret,sister, soul,story,save,seeking,spiritual.
and then there was:
Sam - our 11 yr. golden retriever who died 2 yrs. ago and who we still refer to as the best dog on earth.
Steppenwolf and Siddhartha - by Herman Hesse -read in college
Silver - my preferred color in jewelry
Simon & Garfunkle Sounds of silence ( an old favorite)
You are not going to believe this, but I found that list in an old notebook/journal from the early 90's:
S'words: silence, solace,secret, seductive, sedate, sexy, sumptuous, sweet, scent, special, serious, sober, somber, sentimental, silly, silvery, surprise, serendipitously, sorid, sad, stupor, severe, sacred, steamy, scintillating, sarcastic, supercilious, somnolent, sacrifice, safari, slippery, stunning, scantily, superstitious, scrutiny, support, shave, savory, sustenance, summer, sorrow, suppose, suculent, slumber, swim, supper, super, stupendous, saciate, sinfully, suddenly, surmise, strength, sail, safe, sage, salubrious, saint, sane, sound, satisfy, sauna, saunter, save, savoirfare, sparkle, shine,sea, sun summer, sacrosanct, savor, silky, sight, sound, salsa, sleep solve, salve, stop.
Well, i was going to do more with this but my head is spinning so i suggest stopping and moving to Simply wait where the much more motivational"M" migrated.
Ok, who's old enof out there to remember that song? and who wrote it? No fair googling either, tho i might have to resort to that to see if my memory serves me correctly. I can hear the melody playing in my head and even remember some of the lyrics. Let's see, it was the Mamas and the Papas(this album cover really brings me back - i remember having it (guess its with the rest of my collection - somewhere in the twilight zone room with all of my other stuff - you know the bong and.... Remember beautiful Michelle Phillips? and Mama Cass and the Phillips dude, father of the gal on that 80's sitcom with the janitor; so what was the name of the other guy?(?Papa Cass?). As you can see, as we like to say in my family, "you've got a good memory, but it's short". Feel free to fill in any of the blanks.
Woke up before the alarm this morning; had it set for 6:20 - giving us 30 min. to get ready. The weather looked suspect so i did what I always do first thing in the morning (after brushing my teeth) - yup went online. checked my email - nope no one had written me since i checked it last, before i went to bed at 11. The reason for the alarm and early rising on a Sunday morning was because my 12 yr. old son was starting his first job! - caddying at a golf club here in town. He's only going to do it once a week on the wkend and he gets to use/play at the club on Mondays. The weather was iffy but it wasn't raining so we got ready to go; after much grousing by my son when i woke him up so late - "mom, we only have 20 min. to get there!". He is much more consciountious about time, rules, etc. than his mother. So as we are heading out the door, I see that it has started raining and say, "I'm going to call and see if it's cancelled" - the email had said rain or shine. He wanted me to call from the road, but I told him to "stop telling me what to do" - a frequent chant of mine. And it was indeed called off. So he headed up back to bed, while I had some cereal and read the paper, but since i hadn't made coffee and was tired i headed upstair to lay down, but by then my son had gotten up and came into the den to watch TV so I decided to go sleep in his bed(since mine was already occupied). And I actually fell back to sleep and was awakened later by the phone. When I opened my eyes I was looking at a blank white wall,inches from my face, and it took me a moment to realize where i was. His bed is up against a wall and evidently I had fallen asleep facing the wall so that when I awoke and just saw blank white, for an instant I had no idea where I was. When I awake in my room I either see the windows or my closet doors. I called my friend back and told her what had happened- got a chuckle out of it anyway.
MENTAL HOSPITAL AUTOMATED PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling the State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
it won't make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 119.
If you are bipolar, leave a message before the beep or after the beep or before the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have Short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy too talk too just you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, Turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
Kate Lehman Landishaw
What is madness but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance?
-Theodore Roethke, poet (1908-1963)
Weird dreams lately and remembering them because i wake up so often.
Last nite dreamt about Dad that he was still alive and kickin - very much so-no walker and he had a new lady friend (number 4 - he was married 3 times). But the rational side of me couldn't understand how he was still alive- after all I had spread his ashes at the Grist Mill in Plymouth that runs out to the Bay/Ocean. (I passed this on a walk yesterday while waiting for my son to get out of sunday school - guess that's where this one came from). The dream was Sci-fi like - mirror planets and such.
I dreamt last week that i was yelling for L.(my son) not to cross the street beacuse a car was coming at him. He was ok; but the driver got out to yell at L., tho it was clearly his fault (because you know how you can see everything in dreams), - i had figured out that he had stepped on the gas instead of the break when he saw him and he was about to yell/blame L. when mama hen read him the riot act. I think i know where this one comes from - my biggest fear - that i will lose him.
So it seems that my dreams are my unfinished business with Dad( and others) and my fears(mostly regarding my son)
What do you dream about?
Don't know where i found this, but i like it alot.
Evidently I saw it over at Tom's blog, that sadly he's leaving for a time, hopefully he'll be back someday soon.
**There will always be someone richer and poorer than you. That much is certain. So just accept where you are, with the hope that God's will leads you to what you will need.**Life never stays constant. Always, it will change. You will never be disappointed.**However, love can be the only constant. Through it all, love stays. Through good and bad, true love stays.**Having faith doesn't mean that things will not go wrong, and you will not sometimes fall down.But having faith gives you the strength to get up. Again. And again.**What is essential is invisible to the eye. Still, keep looking for that essence.**When things go well, enjoy them. Don't worry that it can't last. Truly, it can't. So don't spoil it by worry. When things go poorly, endure them. Don't worry that it will never end. Truly, it will. Time has proven that all things come to pass. Good and Evil.**When you think you can't, then don't think. Just do. Reason cannot answer every ill. Go to God, who is above reason, and gives answers to your heart.
Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no person could have dreamed would have come his or her way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." ~ Goethe
But...
"To think is easy. To act is hard. [And] ...the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking." ~ Goethe
But...
"Doubt can only be removed by action." ~ Goethe
Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:
A woman called a local hospital . . . .
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . . "
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!"
If there was ever a horrible patient award, the patient that I had today would get it. In all the years that I have been doing this I do believe that he "takes the cake" or the award. Joan, who is one of the nicest people that I know and who works the front desk came over to us techs, who were standing around yacking, and asked who has Mr.L's chart? at which I looked down at the one in my hand that I was filling out and saw that I did. "Well, good luck", she said "he just came over to the desk and asked " so What's going on?" and he's only been here 10 min. So I called him in and he was nasty from the moment he sat in the chair to the moment he walked back up to the desk to complain about me, but i had already complained about him to the Dr. who know exactly who he was and rolled his eyes. Later I was told by the Dr's assistant that when 'sthe guy started in about not liking that technician, Dr. S just cut him off with, "well you never like any of them". Nice to see that the customer is not always right, especially when they are rude and obnoxious. Days like this that data entry or one of those little cubicles are looking pretty good.
*Note, hey when i went in to edits to find this old draft i realized what it was about the number 300 and posts. The display is of 50 post and you can change it to previous 100 or 300. Then what?? plus anyone know how come on a Mac i can't change the font??or edit html or compose?? Get my PC back tmrrw.!!
Seems my blogging anniversary passed unnoticed even by me. April 30, 2005- the day I ventured into the land of blogs - at first just to comment on my friends blog, then my first post about going home. Now my almost daily writing practice and when the muse doesn't come I go cruising. The blogosphere - a community of blogger friends and like minded individuals- for the most part. Sometimes its tedious - like homework; other times its a refuge, retreat. I guess i'll stick around for another year - i hope.
Hey I just looked and saw that this is my 278th post, i thought i remember something about 300 - when you hit 300 are you cut off? get the hook? Is that a magic number? at the stroke of 300 does your computer turn back into a pumpkin??
An elderly couple goes into McDonalds and orders 1 burger and an order ofFrench fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger andcarefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife.He then carefully counts out the French fries, dividing them into two piles andneatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink;his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bitesof hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering. You could tell they werethinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table.He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man says they are justfine -- they are used to sharing every thing. The surrounding people notice the littleold lady hasn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally takes turns sipping the drink. Again the young man comes over and begs them to lethim buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finishes and is wiping his face neatly with thenapkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who has yet to eat a single biteof food and asks "What is it you are waiting for?" She answers....
(This is great)
"THE TEETH."
Well I'm posting from hell, cause i'm still here i'm afraid. It's been a terrible couple of days and even tho i sit here typing - who know for how long. well just to update you, they replaced my hard drive and took pity on me and only charged me $130 instead of $250 like last yr. But when i brought the computer home, my troubles just began. couldn't get my email or get online. call in to the cable company and they say no problem here must be your modem, so i ran down to the cable co. with 15 min.to spare.Then when i was happily opening mail and cruisin, my screen went gray with the message "out of range" - what the hell does that mean?? more phone calls and unplugs later i give up and go to bed. (Did i mention i can't get the laptop on either?) Trip # 3 to the computer store, just to be told - it works fine here, must be somthing at yr. house - yea that damn polergeist is at it again. Then today i replace the surge protector, hoping but not believeing that that is it as the techie says it might be, or yet another part in the computer. i'm given the option of giving the hard drive back, losing all my data and starting over with a new computer. I say i'll take it home and give it another try. get everything plugged in again and open my email, just to discover there is a virus that can't be fixed or quaranteened. then it does the out of range/shut down thing. next i try getting on my blog - no can do. i finally get on via my friends blog - where i stop to leave a message - no can do -just like the other nite- i'm cast out - so what the f? am i doomed/cursed. did this all start on 6/6/06????
Swearing up a storm here. I am not a happy camper. I am writing this from my laptop that I am still not liking; it's not just the small keyboard and the silly wheel in lieu of mouse, but i miss my den and my dead PC. It died or crashed or whatever it is the damn things do this afternoon. Seems like the hard drive again, if my memory serves me correctly - this is what happened last year and $250 later. I also don't like the screen on this thing. Grrrrr. And did i mention that it is a Mac - which is supposed to be a good thing, but i never did learn how to use it really and it seems damn slow to me. wah wah. And i don't even want to think about all my photos, files, writing, and my address book!!!! do you think i have those email addresses written down anywhere?? Well i'm in a bloody foul mood now. And i have only just begun to descend into computer hell. Obviously it won't pay to fix the damn thing again and i don't think it is in the budget to buy a new computer. The boy is getting braces end of the month and we're actually supposed to be buying my step-daugher a laptop for HS graduation next week. Oh and did i mention I'm shopping for a new car? And that I'm supposed to be studying for the Real Estate test. As my friend Mary, likes to say to me, "it's a good thing that house doesns't have a garage."
Remember the movie, Rear Window with Grace Kelly and Jimmy Stewart?
In my "computer room"/ den/guest bedroom (smallest and favorite room in the house it seems) there is a window to my right and occassionally i look out it at the green and the trees. I can see my neighbors house and since we put in a new window last year and i have yet to get around to painting it, there is no window treatment on it(window treatments - subject of a future post). occasionally i have wondered can they see me sitting here? do they think i am writing the next great american novel or that i am just another whacked out internet junkie(unfortunately, we all know the answer to that). So today when I glanced out the window I just now noticed that the trees and brush had filled in so that i can no longer see their house at all. Nature is a wonderful thing.
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first
graders using a bowl of
lifesavers.
The children began to say:
"Red.........................cherry,"
"Yellow...................lemon,"
!
"Green......................"lime"
"Orange.....................orange,"
Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," the teacher said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's
what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver
out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"
(this). It does always seem to come back to this damn awful feeling, time and time again. Wish I could just shake it but it seems to win every time. Are some of us just predisposed to this? Or is it not just genetic or hormonal or psychological mumbo-jumbo, but because of real life situations beyond our control? ... you are now entering the twilight zone.
Went into Boston yesterday with my son and a good friend for the free outdoor concert at the Hatchshell(where the Boston Pops play - great acoustics). We saw
1) Brandi Carlisle- love her song "What can I say" 2) The Frey (one of L's favs). and 3) James Blount ( my friends fav. because his song "Goodbye my lover" really speaks to her after a breakup of a 33 yr. marraige. I thought Randy Carlisle reminded me of a young Bonnie Raitt - but maybe not as talented or charismatic - but i love Bonnie from way back. and The Frey were good and James Blount was really good - great stage prescence. We didn't stay for Los Lonely Boys unfortunately cause we had been there for 3&1/2 hrs. pressed up against a fence, for fear of losing our good spot. It was nice to get away - we only live 45 min. from Boston, but dont' get in there very much.We all saw "our boy/girl" so we were a happy bunch. With my arm being bad I'm trying to stay away from activities that might aggravate it, she says as she goes out to buy plants.
My son wrote this essay for a contest he saw advertised in the paper to win a week at the Trot Nixon Baseball Camp. I thought it was so cute I just had to post it.
I love the game of baseball and want to get better. I am an avid baseball and Red Sox fan. My name is L.G., i'm 12 years old, and I live in , Ma. My favorite position is catcher. I also play first base, outfield, and third base. Baseball is pretty much my life. I love to play it and watch it. I am not the best player, but I am not the worst. But I am getting better and learning a lot. My Dad, my coach, and the head of Youth Baseball say I am improving alot. I live for baseball. I can even beat my dad in sports trivia. I think I should attend RBI Baseball Summer Camp because I love the game of baseball more than any kid my age I know. I want to learn as much as I can about baseball. Thank you for this opportunity.
The Six Types of Sex:
The first is Smurf Sex. This occurs during the honeymoon period;
you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, in the kitchen on the table, etc.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps
have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you
pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is called oral sex
by some
There is a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This happens when you
get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the
courtroom.
The sixth kind of sex is Social Security Sex -- that's when! you
get a little once a month but it's not enough to live on
Everyone in my house seems to know how to relax cept me. see that nice new chair/lounger - i bought it for myself for Mother's Day - have i used it yet? nope.
My husband has no problem reading or sleeping the day away when he's not at work. My son loves to relax (ie watch TV/video games/computer)after school or always if not on a field - playing sports.
So what is wrong with me? do i have an unbelievable guilt conscious, like i don't deserve to relax or can i simply not.I even was home sick from work with my bad arm -a Dr's note and everything.
I used to be able to relax on beaches or boats (especially with a drink in my hand). But then you are away from yr. house/responsibilities.
Thank g-d for blogging.
I've been tagged by mb for another meme.
accent: none (i've been told kinda like midwest; but occasionally NJ slips thru in a word or 2)
booze: wine mostly, occasional margarita or martini
chore I hate: cleaning the cat box and poop patrol in yard and dusting and floors and paperwork and ...
dogs/cats: one young black lab and one ancient maine coon cat
essential electronics: computer,stereo,camara
favorite perfume/cologne: I rarely use any but i used to like Opium
gold/silver: either
hometown: Bayonne, NJ
insomnia: an old enemy
job title: ophthalmic technician, bartender, mother
kids: one
living arrangements: New england colonial in constant need of work- the money pit.
most admired trait: creativity
number of sexual partners: married
overnight hospital stays: last was for my gallbladder operation
phobia: rides
quote: Cherish your dreams and visions as they are the children of your soul,
the blueprints of your ultimate
achievements. Napoleon Hill
religion: Jewish - more a heritage, no religious upbringing really
siblings: one brother
time I usually wake up: 2or4 and 6:30AM
unusual talent: baton twirling
vegetable I refuse to eat: none that i can think of
worst habit: would have to be either not finishing what I start or not getting started (same as mb)
x-rays: back, right shoulder and elbow
yummy foods I make:pesto from basil from my garden (i'm not much of a cook)
zodiac sign: leo
tagging: Mary,Sky,Amishlaw,Jona ... and anyone else who cares to join in. Let me know if you do it!
This was an old draft from this winter; I was thinking it might be interesting to see what google hits I get from this.
Impressions from tonites gig(a senior housing xmas party) - not a wild bunch. Old rock and roll playing - Rock around the clock by Elvis. One guy just holding his partners hand and kinda 2 stepin in place while she twirls all around him. Jitterbug-couples dancing who look like they've been dancing together for 50 yrs(know each other's moves - have moves!). Then a lady slip/falls-call 911.I run for paper towels for pressure to stop the bleeding til the medics arrive. Hey what happenned I'm back at my day job at the doctors.
That song hot, hot, hot comes on and I look up and all the ladies are dancing.
Drinks i made: sex on the beach and an orgasm- back to the 80s/90's? Even a Harvey Wallbanger- all the way back to the 70's( I should give a prize for those who know what that is). Martinis now the rage-Sourapple, Chocolate,Pomegrante.
Fast forward to the present- May 20th and I'm bartending at a wedding. 2 different people ask "what can i have? something fruity,something different" and I respond without missing a beat-"sex on the beach".
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out thewindow. My husband's home early!""I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain isthe least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?""Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried,"Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope.........just when it's raining."
I kinda like memes. I found this one over at Mary's.
Name three books (couldn't do just 3) that have truly shaken your worldview.(I'm not sure about this worldview thing, but they did shake me).
Fail Safe and Peyton Place - Grammer school -7th/8th Grade.
Cat's cradle by Kurt Vonnegut,Stranger in a strange land and Farnheims Freehold (my science fiction stage-High School and college)
Anything by Herman Hesse or Camus (college)
Anything by Anais Nin (post hippie/bohemian stage)
Prince of Tides (I'm not sure why, I just really loved this book. Hopeless romantic syndrome i guess.
Writing Down the Bones - Natalie Goldberg. Interestingly this was one of Mary's pics. No coincidences.
- Name three movies that make you wish you'd written the script.
One flew over the cuckoo's nest
Gone with the wind
Shawshank Redemption
(Some Foreign films of which i've forgotten the titles. )
- Name three things you like about yourself.
Sense of humor - wit.
Adaptability/Compassion
Open-mindedness
- Name three careers you think you might have been good at.
Editor/Agent
Producer/Director
Lounge lizard (piano player) ,stand up comic/comedy writer
- Name three things you say to yourself all the time.
Where'd I park the damn car?
I'm an idiot.
G-d help me.
(And- Stop reading blogs and go to bed.(again, like Mary).
- Name three things that you know now that you didn't know three years ago.
That you could still know someone after more than 30 years.
That I would meet new friends online.
That I would start trying to write again.(Lastly, like Mary, again).
And you know the drill.. anyone feel like doing this one, just let us know.
Spring and summer are my favorite seasons - all those beautiful flowers bloomin (but the allergies) and summer - the warm sun and sand and magnificent ocean ( that is too cold to enter in these parts). But, still there's... gardening, barbecues, lazy days at the beach. With Spring just springin I find myself already longing for those easy days of winter-stay in with a good book by the fire-trade that margarita in for a nice glass of merlot or brandy.
I'm not really this negative but pain in my shoulder/elbow - constant reminder that I'm not 20 anymore and I already have a touch of poisen ivy. But baseball season is upon us andI get to see my #1 son shine; he so loves the game that it's truly infectious .
Maybe Fall is the answer, yard work done -wait in quiet resignation for ole man winter.
Careful what you wish for - I wrote this on April 21 on a beautiful day when i over did it in the yard; now here it is 19 days later - rainy and raw and i'm cranky cause i can't get out in my yard!
I guess you really do need to post in real time, cause your perspective sure can change. Kind of like the weather in New England.
(Warning: not for the faint of heart)
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to
hell where the devil is waiting for him.I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. "No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked
in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while
and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said
"Ok,Monica, you're free to go!"
am i invisible? is your time worth infinitely more than mine, do you own the world? Let me tell you, i was pissed. I dropped my son off at Sunday school in Plymouth and drove down the street to park in front of the bay - got out of the car with my papers , but decided it was too cold to sit on the bench so i retreated back to my car. I guess i got absorbed in my reading, i had noticed that there was some motorcycle activity going on right next to me - but i decided to ignore it till it got too distracting - the noise and the pollution-that I decided to move back to the parking lot by the temple to wait. When i looked up and turned around to back out I found that I was surrounded by motorcycles - with maybe 4 parked right behind me up to my bumper!! (i felt like i was in a bad dream). I asked one guy who was standing there and he mumbled something or other. I said what the heck I've got to get out of here, I've got to go pick up my kid! So i got back in the car and leaned on the horn and someone in the gang/group came over and told me that they went to get gas and I said oh yea? but why did they park behind me?? so i lay on the horn somemore and a policeman came and hurried them along. The nerve!!! I am incredulous to the say the least, as i don't want to resort to profanity - what the heck????
my so called peaceful sunday - maybe i'll go get an ice cream to get over my bad dream.
Dear IRS, Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer
TODAYS TAXES
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette T ax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax Federa
Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest Expense (tax on the money THEY paid tax on already)
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service Charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal , State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-Recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer Registration Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What the hell happened ?
G-d I love this show. It's my show of the season; the one I wait all week to watch. The character House is not your typical Young, dark and handsome. He's middle-aged, greying, limping and yes..sexy. The show is exciting, moves along, makes you think, but most of all is a study in human nature and character.
My other show this year is Grey's Anatomy - but even tho this is another doctor show I must admit I'm into it for the soap opera factor.
Hate to admit this but... it's time to go watch Idol and vote. I know i've reached a new low.
Footnote, just found this in my drafts from back in Jan. just neededyet another quick cover-up post.
You know, when you just want to post to cover up that previous post( am i repeating myself - this sounds very familiar; but i am so sleep deprived that I either don't care or too lazy to see if i've used that phrase before . I guess i should just take a sabattical cause all i seem to do lately is piss & moan about my wretched life and how i'm too busy to post properly, so i just fire out some lame drivel; but then i guess who am I trying to impress - all you nice folks who stop by, that's who. Dont' want to bore you guys day after day with the same drivel. ok i am officially going to stop using that word, but i don't want to keep saying.. crap - will have to come up with some new material. But all that said, sometime I do want to impress and sometimes i just want to vent and sometimes i just want to practice writing, tho I think i should brush off my editing skills and try and come up with a proper post one of these damn days.
This weekend almost killed me, or the past 3 days I should say (Friday was my day off -ha! - I'm almost looking forward to work tomorrow cause it will be easier than juggling a 12 yr. old boy and 86 yr. old MIL(mother-in-law). I was just going to cruise my fav blogs as the title *belies my state of mind, but then i got the pull - that gravitational tug. Anyway the 2nd part of the title - Just shoot me - became my key phrase this wkend. and my (wonderful) son/ (beautiful) boy heard me and said - "hey, that can be the title of your book", my perceptive Pisces - what a dreamer.
Well to say this weekend was grueling, would be an understatement. Too many balls in the air (remember the real estate course that I'm supposedly studying for - bedtime reading - really! but I am already working it - did some photos for my friends listing). See i just like the creative side of it - the picture taking and copy writing. just goes to show ya, as they say.
anyway, back to the story at hand, put in 10 hrs. on friday , madly unpacking. then back sat. for some more, after dropping the boy at the ball field for a 2 hr. practice; then some shopping for needed items at the new place. Today we dropped her at the apt. with the new things to do some work on her own, while I took the boy to sunday school and then to baseball pics. then back to help MIL, then finally back home to do yard work, then to the food store, a couple of loads of laudry and here I sit, not for long - time to unload the dryer and fold.
*(i like the sound of that word, but just looked it up and I guess it is out of context here - but as i said , i just like it, so it stays)
Bus Crash
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief
they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each,
before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish
is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it
is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be
gorgeous too.
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous
but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line
starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the
floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches the last guy and asks him what his wish
will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again".
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'...BE HAPPY!
Well, I was always a good one for excuses and little white lies ( sometimes not so little). But folks, I am hearby exclaiming I am in over my head but as long as no other body parts fail me, i'll survive. The MIL (mother-in-law) did finally make up her mind and has moved from lovely NJ to wonderful Massachusetts. So tomorrow is the big moving day. She arrived late last night afer a horrific afternoon of fighting (well being walked all over by the movers), then getting in the car with her son and driving 7&1/2 hrs. here. They both looked like they'd been raked over the coals. I spent a couple of hours on the phone with the **%&$**%*#* movers today and managed to recoup some money; well they are gouging us $800 less. That," I'm calling the Attorney General's" does work. So tomorrow the moving clothes go on, so glad i have the day off. Now, when am I going to get down to studying for that dumb real estate test?
Do you sometimes post, just to get that previous post out of there - the glaring first thing someone sees when they discover you. Do you get that obligated (oh no i have homework to do) feeling about posting - like when you are hypercritical about everything you write - like this is just drivel? Well i'm here to say it's our drivel and knock that internal critic to the moon, tell him to get the hell out of your way; this space is yours and yours only. Yea right. I guess we do need the irritating little fellow or g-d knows what would wind up here. See there he snuck in again, wiley guy isn't he? What are your idiosyncrasies(as far as writing)? Sitting here trying to decide between the post or delete button - who wins?
Just got out of a 12 (well ok only 10) hr. real estate class. Feel like I just had a basketball full of information jammed into my pea size brain. I can't remember the last time I even took an 1-2 hr. class - yea i can - CPR maybe 2-3 yrs. ago, and there you got to play with dummys. And the worst thing is that I have to get up and do it again tomorrow. Better get some brain sleep.
THIS IS FOR SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN I THINK CAN HANDLE IT
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse."So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked."No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)I know I'm not going to understand women.I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.She directs him down the correct aisle.A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?""Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!WHO DOES WHATA man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. "Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Just another manic monday, wish it was Sunday - well i don't know about that- Sunday was pretty manic too. Let's see Sat. I did a ton of yard work ( but i found a $50 bill by the side of the road, that made it worthwhile - i think). Then Sun.-Easter- went to work at the Club to bartend/cashier, back home to finish the yard work, then quilt made me play ball with the boy - he taught me some pitching techniques. But the downside of all this, is that my arm is feeling the effects of all this activity; Ok Now we get to Monday:worked all day doin eye exams, then had a committee meeting that i was vouluteered to. But generally i just hate mondays, cause it's so hard getting back into the swing of things - no wonder.
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
(Once again, sorry guys :)
Well, my fifteen minutes of fame (wasn't it Andy Warhol that coined that phrase?) are over; now what? I must admit that even tho the shy virgo in me was aghast at being caught "with her pants down", the Leo in me totally enjoyed the attention ( the virgo(critic) realizes that somehow doesn't sound right, but i'm too tired to care . So looking for more attention....over at my New Poems blog I've posted my first ever attempt at Haiku-it was fun, kind of.
Someone left a comment once, asking if anyone knew of my poetry site(side) of me; so I guess I will toot my horn as they say and direct anyone who hasn't found it on their own to go to a peek. As writing goes I guess I consider myself a poet first, journal writer(blogger) second and aspiring comedic writer, journalist, wannabee short story/novel writer last.
Tongue tied. What can I say?
Well the pressure is on now - dear FTS has sent folks my way and I'm feeling like i've been caught with my pants down,for lack of a better expression. Oh but as usual I can give you plenty of excuses why. I have been dealing with my mother-in-law, whom i really like, before you get me wrong. Actually i probably(really) get along better with her than I do my husband. She is 86 and really with it, fun to be around, funny and no problem at all - she even cleans my house. She lives alone in NJ and we've been trying to get her to move near one of her 4 kids for years. Her apartment situation is not good at all and she came up about a week ago to revisit an independent living place in our town and agreed to take the apt.; we even picked rug and wall colors, talked about celebrating, jumped up and down and then I come home from taking the boy to sunday school and she announces she's having second thoughts. So- many hours/phone call to the other siblings and we are still no closer to a resolution. As my mother would've said,"Que sera sera" - What will be, will be. That said, I must say it was a thrill to discover that I was FTS's Blog of the week. Thanks FTS and welcome anyone who stops by, I will try and be properly dressed next time you stop by.
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to Eisenhower hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing Bob Hope Drive on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you".
The other day this wild idea popped into my head - I thought of what the perfect job for me would've been: for those of you old enough (oh yea reruns)to remember the DicK Van Dyke show; i thought i'd like to be Sally (tho thinner and cuter - remember she couldn't get good dates), brainstorming skits, comedy with those two, dick van dyke and buddy. Or maybe better yet, Mary Tyler Moore. Just like now I always say what's a nice Jewish girl like me doing working for the doctor, i should be married to him; or even better - the other thing i always say to patients when they ask, "what's the doctor going to do?"; I say," yea, I guess I should be the poster child for Stay in school." It would be nice to have his paycheck stead of mine.
Seriously i always wanted to work in TV/film-production/editing.
What is/was your dream job?
That's not a baseball in his hand it's the model eye, tho next stop after the way too long day at the fair was baseball leveling. We even squeezed in a haircut after all this; he's much handsomer than these pics.
Happy April Fools!!!
Pic(friend's grandson)from our trip - becoming a distant memory. Will have to post more about it later. We laughed our pants off about this pic tho - I think he has a future in acting, don't you?
